How often do you find yourself caught in the classic marital tango, wanting to express love but just not feeling it? Ever wondered how to navigate through those challenging times and maintain effective communication with your partner? Well, this episode of Marriage in Real Life is here to guide you. Eric and Patsy Richards bring forth their wisdom and experience, emphasizing the importance of mutual respect, understanding, and treating your partner as your equal. They believe that a harmonious relationship can be established by leading in a way that encourages submission and refraining from comparing your partner to others.
Get ready for some real insights on how to show love, even when you're not feeling it. It may sound tricky, but it all boils down to understanding your partner's capabilities and not expecting them to lead the same way someone else does. Patsy and Eric share their own journey, complete with the humorous and light-hearted moments that have kept their bond strong. They discuss the significance of providing your partner space, expressing anger correctly, and the importance of choosing your words carefully. Furthermore, they offer practical advice on how to reconnect with your partner after needing space, emphasizing the role of small acts of kindness and active listening.
This episode is not just about dealing with the tough times; it's also about celebrating the beautiful moments in a marriage. The Richards talk about the power of a genuine apology, the significance of follow-through, and how to maintain your relationship effectively. They stress the importance of showing grace, giving hope, and taking responsibility in relationships, and remind listeners to not let anyone else impede their marriages. So tune in to this episode full of heartfelt conversations, advice, and some good humor, all aimed at building a strong and lasting marriage.
Watch the live show on Youtube.
Follow us on Facebook & Instagram at @marriageinreallifepodcast
How often do you find yourself caught in the classic marital tango, wanting to express love but just not feeling it? Ever wondered how to navigate through those challenging times and maintain effective communication with your partner? Well, this episode of Marriage in Real Life is here to guide you. Eric and Patsy Richards bring forth their wisdom and experience, emphasizing the importance of mutual respect, understanding, and treating your partner as your equal. They believe that a harmonious relationship can be established by leading in a way that encourages submission and refraining from comparing your partner to others.
Get ready for some real insights on how to show love, even when you're not feeling it. It may sound tricky, but it all boils down to understanding your partner's capabilities and not expecting them to lead the same way someone else does. Patsy and Eric share their own journey, complete with the humorous and light-hearted moments that have kept their bond strong. They discuss the significance of providing your partner space, expressing anger correctly, and the importance of choosing your words carefully. Furthermore, they offer practical advice on how to reconnect with your partner after needing space, emphasizing the role of small acts of kindness and active listening.
This episode is not just about dealing with the tough times; it's also about celebrating the beautiful moments in a marriage. The Richards talk about the power of a genuine apology, the significance of follow-through, and how to maintain your relationship effectively. They stress the importance of showing grace, giving hope, and taking responsibility in relationships, and remind listeners to not let anyone else impede their marriages. So tune in to this episode full of heartfelt conversations, advice, and some good humor, all aimed at building a strong and lasting marriage.
Watch the live show on Youtube.
Follow us on Facebook & Instagram at @marriageinreallifepodcast
Hello and welcome to season two of Marriage in Real Life with your host, eric and Patsy Richards. Marriage in Real Life is a podcast about two imperfect people with an imperfect marriage. This podcast aims to help listeners to know that God, who is perfect, can use your imperfections and your imperfect marriage to help others. So let's laugh and learn. I hope you enjoy the episode. Let's get straight into it.
Speaker 2:Welcome to Marriage in Real Life. Welcome to Marriage in Real Life, alright. We're so glad that you could join us this evening. We're back, we're back, we're back, alright. Well, as we normally do, we like to start out with what happened in the last two weeks since we've been here. So, what happened, babe? What happened? Well, we just celebrated my birthday. Oh, happy birthday. Let's give her applause for that. Yes, happy birthday. Do you mind saying how old you are? Okay, how old are you? 56. 56. Alright, you look good. 56, baby. Alright, I already told you you smell good before we came here. Alright, you look good, you smell good, alright then. Well, there you go. There you go.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so, yeah. So you know, we're glad. We're glad about that. Here's your mic on. No, I don't know. I don't think your mic is on.
Speaker 4:Okay here, we go there, we go yeah.
Speaker 2:Okay, now we got to go. Okay, alright, good, alright, now your mic. Okay, so now your mic is on For the last two weeks. What did we do?
Speaker 4:We celebrated our birthday.
Speaker 2:Right, we celebrated your birthday. We were in a car accident. Oh man, yeah, we were in a car accident. Somebody hit us From behind, but praise be to God, we still hear.
Speaker 4:We still hear no damages to the outer layers of the car. So far, so good.
Speaker 2:So far so good. Yeah, God is good all the time. God is good. That's what we'll church you there. Oh bad, so yeah. So yeah, Accident was it was kind of bad. It's not kind of bad. There's nothing done with the car, Not done to Sadie. People don't know who Sadie is as fast as Cadillac, you know. That's right. That's the girl. All right, All right so, and another thing we had a move.
Speaker 4:Oh my goodness, muffin moved in and guess what she brought up parents with her.
Speaker 2:She brought up parents, all right. Yeah, thank you, muffin, for bringing your parents down. You know, I think she drove down herself.
Speaker 4:Yes, she did, she handled things, she handled things. Yeah, that's my girl, that's my busy body, yeah that's what I love, muffin.
Speaker 2:I love her to death, abad. So you know, I'm here just saying amen, Like we, like we in church, that's that's. You know, we shouldn't be saying amen and stuff like that.
Speaker 4:Amen means you agree.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay.
Speaker 4:You agree, it's not right, but you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, let's cut down on the amen stuff, okay. Okay, you okay with that, or you know that brings up. You know us laughing tonight brought up our last session. We was talked about humor in marriage. We got to have humor in marriage. We've been cracking up, I mean these last two weeks, and see like we've been cracking up more. You know, since we talked about it we've really been cracking up about crazy things. You know it doesn't been laughing and laughing, you know. So you got to have humor in marriage.
Speaker 4:I know you're. When you're laughing, you know that you're happy.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 4:You've. You've come over the milestones and you can still look back and laugh and joke with each other about you know inside jokes. Inside jokes are the best because it's like I know what you think it before you thinking it. You're looking at me and I'm laughing, laughing yeah, you know, just like that little spiel with James Brown.
Speaker 2:He's like I look good Smell good, all right, we know what he's going to say next.
Speaker 4:You know, so it's the inside things in this and it's also the connection.
Speaker 2:All right. So we got some people online. We got Sparkle on there, hey Sparkle, how you doing, hey Sparkle. We got Ferg on here, hey Ferg, how you doing? All right, the frigging Ferg. All right, we got some more people. That's online, let's give it. You know, we love to give you a shout out, so tell us where you're watching from. That'd be great. Give your name and you know where you're watching it. I know sometimes on on your name, maybe not your name name, so please, you know, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4:Because if you say pooky, then you know we going to be like okay, okay, pooky, we going to give a pooky, a shout out.
Speaker 2:You know we don't know. Okay, hey, we got Grandbaby, our oldest grandbaby is on. No, terria is on. Hey, terria, hey, how you doing yeah.
Speaker 4:Grandma, I love you.
Speaker 2:I'm telling you, so proud of her, so proud, so, so, so proud, thank you. All right. So we were ready to look at something right here. We we started this thing viral topics that we want to talk about. You saw this viral video and we want to for those who are watching, for those who will be listening later you can hear the audio but for those who are watching, you'll be able to see this video of this young man. I don't want to give it, but I think it's a good video. You love this video.
Speaker 4:I love it. When I saw it I was like, babe, you got to see this. You got to see this a week or so to really watch it, but it's really profound. So listening, I think you know, and if you have some comments on it, chime in.
Speaker 2:And don't forget, later on you'll be able to call in at 754-222-2219. All right, so here we go, thank you, thank you, thank you. All right, we give a little hand clap for that, all right, so what made you like this so much? What made you like it so much? Wow?
Speaker 4:I think the reason why I liked it so much is because the answers were so sincere, as what the gentleman was giving him.
Speaker 4:And a lot of young men today don't know that portion of the marriage. They know the wedding, the reception and you know, I got a girl with me. They know that but they don't know the in depth of it and I thought that was just amazing as to you know your, your, your wife, being a reflection of who you are. So if she out and about looking looking a hot mess, that represents you Okay, okay. Well, her looking like that, so that's how she looked, where would she go? But if he had, if he, you know, wants to be represented well and he's going to treat her well, he's going to treat her with class.
Speaker 4:He's going to teach her to find a things in life. Teach her. You know. You know what a lady is supposed to be Because you know our parents, our mothers, they, they get in there and they teach us stuff. But you know other things that say not only you know, you want to look good, you want to feel your best and you want to be happy in the way that you feel and you're, you're a reflection of me.
Speaker 2:You know I get compliments all the time. Oh boy Are you married?
Speaker 4:Yes, are you happy about that? Very happy. He's a lucky man, I say he sure is, he's blessed.
Speaker 2:That's right. I am a lucky man, I'm blessed.
Speaker 4:But you know, and I think because of your relationship with the Lord, you don't want to disappoint God and you don't want to wrath the God. So you treat me with the utmost respect and you and you, I'm your lady, you treat me like a lady and I thought that that was profound, that if we can get a man that that respect us and is leading, then it's not hard for us to follow. A lot of women have a problem with the submissive part, but if a man lead without the demands of I'm, the head of the house, if he lead as a team player, the leader of the team, then it's easy for a woman to submit and and and be on her best.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I mean, I, like you said, I totally agree, I, I, you know, that's why we have to love our wives. Christ loved the church, and if we do what we do, then, like you said, though, I don't think no wife has no problem being submissive. And, and you know, the, the, the, what I got from it was the direct reflection. What I even tried to tell our girls is that you, you not only represent yourself, but you represent the family Absolutely, and it goes deeper than that. You represent the family, you represent an African American woman, you know.
Speaker 2:So it's a lot of stuff that you represent, cause it's like when something happens to on the news, the first thing they want to say a black woman, you know name whatever, you know a black man, name, whatever, and they start going through all that kind of stuff you know. And so you find out that you represent more than you think you represent, and so when I see you looking good, I try to try my best to make you look, you know, not make you look good, but try to facilitate you, helping you look good, you know, with funds or or with telling you that you're beautiful, and sometimes I believe that's a lot of times, women, just like with children, you know, you know you have to tell your child that, hey, I'm proud of you, you know that you, you know, tell, especially fathers, tell their daughters, hey, you're a beautiful young girl. You know, because if you don't tell them some other joke, will you know, and you don't want that other Joker telling your daughters that he is beautiful, because once she gets hold of that Joker telling her she's going to start leaning towards that Joker. You know, you know and you know, I know, if it's Nathan and watching, you know that's my word Joker, I love the same. And so we have to tell our daughters. And the same thing goes with our wives.
Speaker 2:If we don't tell our wives that they're beautiful, that they wonderfully made, that you look good, you like it, you know, whatever some other person will, some other man will, and if that man keep telling her that and feeling her head with that, she's going to be like Whoa, okay, you know. Then, all of a sudden, like you always tell me, I, I dress, so you can, eric, that you can keep your eyes on me. Hello.
Speaker 2:Right, right, and that's where my eyes should always be Now. It doesn't say it doesn't mean that we, because we've been out and because we so confident in our marriage and our relationship that we can be out and you can see a fine guy and you say well, that guy, fine, that don't mean, that don't mean nothing to me and I could go and say well, that girl, fine, it don't mean nothing, it's just that she's a beautiful girl, she fine, or whatever. But that doesn't stop out because we confident in our relationship. Right Cause, I know who I got. I got me a piece on my hand.
Speaker 4:I like what Ferg said down here. He said I got to put my glasses on yeah.
Speaker 2:Put them glasses on. Put them glasses on.
Speaker 4:I told my wife that what goes on and what does not go on in our home is my fault. I have to step up and lead in every area and every person in the home. Kudos to you for that, bro yeah.
Speaker 4:I'm going to give you a yeah, there's a lot of people don't want to step up and they don't want. A lot of men don't want to step up and they don't want to take blame either. Right, but if you lead and there's nothing, there's no fault, there's no blame. You know you're going to have bumps along the way, but you know hey, you know I got something to say about that leader.
Speaker 2:You know, what I found out, too, is that you know, everybody doesn't lead the same, and sometimes this I'm just saying sometimes women are looking at other people and how they're leading their house and want the same thing for their house, but not every leader is the same. This is true? I don't know.
Speaker 2:Not every leader, and you have to know your spouse and what they're capable of, what they're able to do, because I learned that even in the military, and first thing that tested that not every leader is a somewhat someone was yellers, some was, you know, talkers, some was you know, come on, let's do it. You know whatever. Now, they knew what to do when times got rough. It seems like every leader would say look, if we were getting ready to like we, we, we saying like war games or whatever, that everybody would pitch in. As you know, the leader which you would still like a hundred and eighty three hundred six degree, you ain't no yellow. But all of a sudden, we, you know we playing water games, everybody yell. Because they understood what was going on, and not every leader is the same. So not every woman should expect her husband to be like somebody else, you know, um, we molded each other, you know, all right. Oh, the big Nikki say mom, you look, your makeup looks good. Yeah, I'm telling you, nikki, thank you Nikki.
Speaker 2:Don't start that. Don't start that. Don't start that up. Then tell it has it, but yeah but I feel like this out though.
Speaker 4:You know what? Remember, we went through this whole thing about folding the towels.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay.
Speaker 4:And first it, I just love him First it but what difference does it make if the towels fold? Why, as long as it's not done the way you want it done, it's still done.
Speaker 2:Right, right.
Speaker 4:So just because your your leadership in your home is not like leadership in a B home, Don't mean that you're not getting the job done.
Speaker 2:Oh boy, I got. I know we've been clapping all night, but I got to give you a clap on that. You hit the nail on the head. Everybody's comparing. I saw a little bit of um elder Collins message, miss Ellie, but I saw a little, a little bit of his message when he said that we're competing in the church and we should not be competing in a church and what's happening is that we're marriages are competing against one another. My God, I didn't I got. Marriages are. He didn't say that, but I'm telling you that marriages are Are competing in with each other. You know they want to say well, they got this and they got that. Why we don't have that? Why our marriage don't look like theirs? Why our marriage don't look like the television? Why our marriage is that like that? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Your marriage and and and and mow your own marriage to be the best that it can be. I didn't want to feel like preaching.
Speaker 4:We do have a topic?
Speaker 2:We do have a topic. Oh man, we are.
Speaker 4:Thank you so much. You know I have to represent you girl.
Speaker 2:All right, that's the juicy juice we can't wait to. I know we're not, but we can't wait to see it this week. I miss her so much. All right, all right, so we're ready to get into the topic. All right, so thank you for showing that video tonight, all right, so tonight's topic is showing love when you're not really feeling it. Showing love when you're not really feeling it and real talk. There will be times in your marriage where you're not really feeling loving your spouse. If we were to be real about it, all right, do you agree with that?
Speaker 4:Yes, you totally agree, yeah.
Speaker 2:All right, excuse me, but, um, you know, maybe this is sometimes. You know, maybe you're angry with them and you're still processing emotions around a conflict. Maybe that's one way. Maybe you're emotionally flooded and and maybe you had a horrible day and you can't come home and and the person that said you need to do this, you need to do that, you need to do that, and you just like no, no, no, no, no, no. You just need some space at that time. Maybe that's what's going on, but I, you know, my mother told us he says you cannot be around a person 365 days, 75, seven days a week, 75, seven days a week and not get tired of them. You will get tired of them.
Speaker 2:Mm hmm, it's just that, no matter if you're in the house together or in the separate room, sooner or later you're going to get tired of them. That's why I thank God that she told us that and we were take, you know, not take separate vacations, but we will just spend some time apart, maybe just a weekend. You know, I was telling you earlier when we was preparing for this. You know, you got um, um, barack Obama's wife, you know, michelle, she's over in Italy, you know, and people want to hold something going on with their marriage. Oh, that don't mean nothing going over their marriage, they just spending a little time together. I mean it's apart. So when, look when the absence it makes the heart grow fond of. So you know what's going to happen when they get back together. Right, they're going to be happy. So it's it's. I want to let everybody know tonight that it's normal to not feeling loving and affection towards your spouse a hundred percent of the time.
Speaker 4:I agree with that. That is normal.
Speaker 2:Mm, hmm, you know, so don't thank you. That is not normal. I don't feel love. I don't feel like I love him today. You know that is normal. Um, but I tell you this what happened is, if you constantly take your anger and your frustration or or other difficult motions out on your spouse, um, eventually it's your marriage is going to blow up.
Speaker 4:I agree with that.
Speaker 2:A hundred percent, you know. So you got to know that you can't take your anger and your frustrations or whatever you're going out. So that's why sometimes it's you just need some space. You just need some space and and you and the other person got to be able to oblige the space. They got to know your partner. You got to be able to look at your partner and say you know what she's getting fed up, you know. But, baby, you know, just go for a ride.
Speaker 4:I had enough of you. I'm out of here. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And and when you say that, uh, the other spouse got to be said, no, get on back here, we're going to take it. No, no, no, no, no. Let the spouse go, let them go. Let them go have that space a time away, because if not it's going to blow up, and you don't want to blow, you don't want that part to blow up. You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 4:And that's what I was saying, like sometimes you, you say things that you can't take back, no matter how much you apologize for it. The scars already there. Now the scar can heal, but it's still a scar. Yeah.
Speaker 4:You know you have to be careful and you have to really choose your words wisely and sometimes you just have to walk away. Somebody have to be the bigger person. Yeah and every. If both of us are already at 10, nothing's going to be solved anyway, because we're going to yell and yell and yell. I can't hear you, you can't hear me, because I'm trying to tell you and you trying to tell me. So what did we solve?
Speaker 2:Right, we didn't solve nothing, nothing.
Speaker 4:Right, it's important to be careful.
Speaker 2:First, keep in the real. Sometimes you just don't like them. That's so true.
Speaker 2:Man, all right. So tonight we're going to just talk about some four things that you can do when you know, when you don't feel loving, there's some small things you can. You know that you can do when you don't feel that way. So number one All right. Number one is communicate kindly. All right, be kind Before we get in there. All right, we got my like, hey, my like how you doing, my like, uh, all right, she said. But sometimes you give them space and they don't come back to resolve the issue. All right, we're going to talk about that. We're going to. We're going to. We're going to talk about that. That's part of one of the four things and we're going to talk about that, all right. So the first thing you want to do is communicate kindly. Not just communicate, cause that's what you just described we communicating, but that ain't kindly, that ain't going to get nowhere. All right, we can't hear each other at all. No, we're not hearing, we're not hearing that. So you have choices to respond when.
Speaker 2:When that thing happens, you can either um, you can either fire back with some cutting words right, you get to cut them or curse them out. You can, whatever you. You got a choice you either fire back or you can completely ignore them when they ask you how your day was. You know cause you're mad at him, or you can, um, stomp out of the room just like a child. You know you can either do that, um so, but in that moment when you're feeling emotional, tapped out, it's natural to uh, fall back on on some of these.
Speaker 2:Sometimes it's natural to fall back on these things because that's what you're doing, you know, and that's what you learn to do. And I would say, with marriages, you got to learn, you got to relearn how to do things. Because if you, if, if that is how you saw your parents handle conflict, if that's how you've been handling conflict or your lives, when you take it into your marriage, you're going to do the same thing, right, you're going to stomp out, you're going to cut, you're going to curse, you're going to do all those kinds of things. And so again, um, you know that's the difference, like in me and you, right, I'm, I'm, I'm a calm person. Come on, now we realize this marriage in real life, all right, Erica is very calm.
Speaker 4:But I used to curse him out like nobody's business. Let me tell you something If I was a sailor I'd have gotten a war for it. I used to curse him out big time, but I realized something. I said you know what All of this cursing him out had got me absolutely nothing. Got me even more upset than what I was, and I accomplished nothing in all of that cursing him out. I said you know what? Let me just sit back and think about this thing. So I stopped that, and whenever I would get upset with him, I'd be like you know what? I'm going to take a drive. Yep, I'm going to take a drive.
Speaker 4:I go, take my drive and when I come back we need to talk. I didn't like that. I didn't like the way you came off. If it's something that we need, to fix this, because if this happened again, I can't be in charge of how I'm going to react next time. This time I walked away. Yeah, yeah, so yeah.
Speaker 2:So I mean, when you do things like that, what it does, it creates tension between you and your spouse, it creates distance between you and your spouse, and you don't want that.
Speaker 4:No, because it's easy for the enemy to slip in a crack with somebody telling you all the wonderful things about yourself that you want to hear, that you feel like your spouse. I'm telling you, hey, erica, hi, sweetheart, I love you. Yes, that's the oldest. Yeah, that's the oldest.
Speaker 2:All right. Proud of her. Yeah, we got a family on the line.
Speaker 4:Proud of you so yeah, so you have to be careful how you walk away, how you handle that. The enemy is looking to seek whom he can devour. Marriages and families are our number one on his list.
Speaker 2:So okay. So what should you do instead? What should you do instead? Now, I would tell you this all of these things that we're going to suggest to you tonight is takes practice. You ain't going to get it right right away. Like you said, you used to curse me out and I on my side, you just didn't argue.
Speaker 4:It made me madder.
Speaker 2:It made you mad, and so I learned today to voice, just voice, have a voice in it. You know what I mean, because I just didn't. I was like I don't want to feel like arguing and I'm, you know, I just no, no, no, no. But by me not arguing, that's what you wanted to hear, some kind of feedback.
Speaker 4:Because that's when I was used to it, right Previous relationships we cursed at each other, we fought with each other. So I was like, hey, this is my husband.
Speaker 2:I'm going to tell your mom that didn't work for me Right, right, right, and so I learned Now I didn't curse.
Speaker 4:You didn't curse. You didn't curse back at me, you didn't. You didn't even I mean I could tell you can do this whole thing like this, when you put your finger on your nose that you're a little upset. I knew that I'm like when you did that. I knew I had struck a nerve, but most of the time when I was cursing at you you did none of that.
Speaker 2:I was like he don't even care. He don't care.
Speaker 4:He's not even communicating back. And then I realized what kind of communication am I doing here, Right, right, I wasn't giving you the opportunity. That's what I'm saying. Arguments we at both at 10, we're not giving each other the opportunity to respond because we both too mad right now, and so that's why somebody has to just walk away and just say okay, we'll come back to that Walk away, leave you with the kids. You keep all your kids.
Speaker 2:I'll pay you child support. I'm out of here. So, yeah, so it takes practice, but learn to communicate. What you need is a calm way can make all the difference if you learn how to do it. A calm way so one it might be saying I just need a few minutes to calm down. That's another way. That's one way you could do it. Number two I'll come back and I'll come find you when you're ready to talk again. That's, you know. You say it in a way that, hey, you know I'll pay. All right, I hear you, but you know we're not getting anywhere. You know we just and sooner or later we're going to say something that we don't like. So, look, just let me go, I'll come back and we'll come talk, you know, come to, you know. Or another one you can say I'm not angry with you, I just had a hard day and I need some, some, some me time. You know, I just need some me time. So wind down time not no three hour naps.
Speaker 4:Wait a minute. Why are you putting? Business on the street like that now.
Speaker 4:Me time. I did some me time. Yeah, that's your me time. And I went and got in the car, and I drove the windows back, took the roof back, and it started raining. That's okay, though, but I still got to just have it. I went to get some stuff out. You know, just sometimes I just want to talk to God, and I don't want to be on my knees and I don't want to be in the closet, I want to be open and free, and I just want to say Lord, you gave me this man.
Speaker 2:That's all right, that's all right, I'll put it on, I can use it. So it's all right to have me time. Yeah, I think everybody needs some me time. You know, you need some time away from your spouse, from your children, where you can have some me time. You need to have some me time because without me time you can't take care of somebody else. Time, right. So you need to have that might me time.
Speaker 2:So if you're getting into that argument or whatever you can communicate, kindly say you know what, babe? You know again, I'm not angry with you, I just need to spend. I just need to spend some me time. Let me get some me time away and they will come back and we'll we'll address this. Now, if you say that you better come back and address it, all right, we're going to talk more about that, but you got to come back and address it. You just can't come back because you're going to spend some me time and you already told your spouse I'm coming back to address it and you come back and you just start doing whatever. No, you need to come to address it because if you don't address it, here it goes again, it starts it and, like you said, if you don't take care of that problem, the problem will become just plenty full.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Right, and we don't want that Right. So, um, so that's number one. We got to communicate kindly, communicate kindly. Number two is all for a small physical gesture. All for a small physical gesture, all right. So, uh, when, when you're feeling at times with your spouse, shown them physical affection usually isn't the first thing on your mind, it's not but it's, it can be All right. So a small gesture, a gentle hand on the arm as you tell them you need space, maybe a squeeze of their shoulder before you leave the room, or reaching out to hold their hand, just say you know, baby, it's good, you know. Just you know, let me touch your hand, baby, come on, give me your hand. Hey, other people watching. Just just, you know, just a little touch, all right, baby.
Speaker 4:I'm going to be bad at you and be like this.
Speaker 2:You know, hey, it's going to be all right. That's what I say. It's a small physical, just, it may not do something, but it may, you know. Um, so you know that's something you can do, yeah.
Speaker 4:I mean that's okay, but then sometimes, when it's heated, you don't want to be touched by your significant other. You don't want to be brushed up against you. Just you know you're, you're angry, upset and you don't want a small gesture, um yeah you just want them to just be okay.
Speaker 2:So I guess it's a different levels of where you are.
Speaker 4:That point maybe before you.
Speaker 2:I'm saying before you can do that smart Like, if it's just a small like, you come home and uh, not saying you, but I'm saying you come home and you, just, you know, you said, man, I just had a bad day for me to come in and and and hold your hand and say, baby, it's going to be all right. You know, we could talk about it later. I think that's cool. Yeah, no, no, that's you know, I was thinking of more or less like we in a argument, but we in a high argument.
Speaker 4:Yeah, you don't really want to touch each other because you know you might touch me on the shoulder and I might think of that as hey, I got the.
Speaker 2:you know, I don't know, all right.
Speaker 4:You gotta be. You know it depends on the individual and their relationship between the two of them and how they react with one another. You know what?
Speaker 2:I'm saying so, I think um yeah, for tripping them is too much. You don't want to trip. Yeah, you don't want to trip Nobody. That dog home for her. Well, I tell you, yeah, we don't want to trip them. Yeah, you know we don't want to do that. Yeah, I many ways to do this, Because you know we don't want to do that.
Speaker 4:Yeah, we don't want to try and do that to you that you know that axle id döגעע. Let's go to the next question. And now you're throwing it back at them, don't?
Speaker 2:do that, man. You say words. Man, I'm telling you, you said it before you cannot put words back. You cannot put two-paced back in a two-paced holder and you cannot put your words back.
Speaker 4:You can't take them back. You can apologize and you can probably mean it sincerely if an act of forgiveness and another person can forgive you, but when you put stuff out there that hurts, it's deep. It's hard to come back from that.
Speaker 2:So I can't tell you. You come on and you said you know what this person he's really. He likes me or he shows affection, he hears me, he hears me out, but you don't hear me out. So I can't say to you well, go to them and let them hear you out.
Speaker 4:Oh, hear you into that. That would not be a good thing for you.
Speaker 2:I know what you're going to get ready to say that would not be a good thing. Anybody know you was getting ready. What did you get ready to say, no, no no, no, no.
Speaker 4:You cannot do that. Don't ever suggest to your significant other Well, if you're getting it out there, go out there and get it, because guess what? You just giving them permission. Yeah, go out there and do what they want to do, don't do it. I don't care, don't do it, don't do it. If they out there doing it and you find out they're doing it, then you determine what your worth is and you walk, because apparently you're not worth his eye because or her eye because you're out there looking at someone else. But don't ever, ever give them permission. If that's what you like, you can get it from somewhere else, because guess what?
Speaker 4:Give me permission to go out there, well, since I'm a Christian woman, but if I was still out there, you better not tell me that. If you are looking around the corner, I'll see you. I'll see you pass.
Speaker 2:I'm telling you you don't give it. You know it's a, it's made to say. It's hard to recover from those harsh words once it leaves your mouth. Absolutely.
Speaker 4:It is.
Speaker 2:It's very hard, it's very easy. Yeah, it's, it's made to. It's very hard, man, and you could try your best. That's why, again, before you say something, just leave, just leave, just, I would rather. I would rather you leave the house and let the person be mad at you, you know, than to say something that you can't take back Because I don't know, I don't, because, no matter how much you apologize, no matter how many years it's passed, it will come up again. Yeah, it will. That person will. You will leave that person scarred, you will leave that person scarred. And so what happened is that scar is there and when you do something else, all you do is open up that scar, keep opening up that scar, keep opening up that scar, and you don't want to do that. You try your, you just don't do it, don't do it.
Speaker 4:Don't do it. Always take a deep breath before you let something out and just really think about you. Know what you're about to say and is it worth it? Yeah, is it worth it.
Speaker 2:Oh man.
Speaker 4:Relationships are hard. Marriage is a hard. Relationships with anybody is hard Brothers and sisters, mothers and daughters, aunties and nieces relationships are already hard. So you have to really be careful and choose your words wisely when you're speaking, you know, to one another, especially when it's a heated conversation. Heated conversation.
Speaker 2:So that's when all the stuff come on.
Speaker 4:You know what they used to say about people. When they get drunk, they can tell you the Bible. Build it in the past, you can. When you get mad boy, it come from deep within and you let it out, let it out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so so what it does is, if you don't remain, consider it can. It can add even more distance intention between you and your spouse, when that is the really the last thing that either you probably want that is the last thing, either you want probably one. So this is a two part thing about remaining. Consider part part A it can it take effort, it can. It takes effort, but try to be intentional about maintaining a basic level of kindness and consideration towards your partner, even when you're in conflict. You got to do that. So what you might do, you might hold a door for them instead of letting it close in their face.
Speaker 4:That would be appreciated.
Speaker 2:That would be. You know, because sometimes you get mad, you're mad and you know you're supposed to be the man and hold a door. You just walk through in there and just let it. You know, just let it close in a in a face. You know how it is. I and I've been in places, I've been going through doors and you can tell a guy you know I like to, I don't care if it's a guy, especially the older person, I like to hold the door. You know for them, you know, just cause they don't have to pull it or whatever like that. But you can tell those ones that is not considerate, that's just being considerate.
Speaker 4:You know somebody you know hold a door for me, and all the time they be like, whoa, no one's ever done this.
Speaker 2:You're being just a level of consideration, You're walking yeah, yeah, come on yeah here's the door, so you're being.
Speaker 2:but when you mad at somebody you just let the door slam in their face. You know you walking out, you walking outside to me, y'all going to the car, you mad and you still got mad. You know you still mad at them, you just shut the door Like good Lord. So you know you, you got to do it with kindness. You know you got to try to do things that kind of stick cool to things down.
Speaker 2:Listen to what they're saying instead of walking away mid sentence or visibly ignoring them. That is terrible. You don't want to do that. That's that right there. Shows them that you really show them that you care about them less you care about your thoughts. So if you want to dampen the, you know, dampen it down a little bit. Listen, don't walk away, missing this. No, listen to them and don't ignore them. So that's about that's part of being considerate. It's a shame that we sometimes we show more considerate to the people on our job than to our spouse. It gets. It gets worse. A lot of people show more consideration to the people at church than they do their spouse.
Speaker 2:That's the yeah that's the and I don't see how people think that they are a quote unquote really true Christian by showing so much level to the pastor. Let me show more consideration to the pastor and the first lady. Do they spouse? They spend more time with them and being considerate them. And so now the husband or the wife is looking at it and say, man, you won't even do that with for me.
Speaker 2:You know you go to a pastor appreciation and you fix the pastor's food first, Right, but when it comes down to your husband, you be like, well, you get it when you get it, how you get it? You know you go to the pastor appreciation and you go and you pull out the chair for the first lady, but then when your wife come around, you just push the chair, keep on, keep on moving. You got to pull it out for yourself. No, no, no, no, no, no. You got to be considerate because people are watching, especially if you have an unsafe spouse. Especially if you have an unsafe spouse, you got to be considerate to them before you be from the, from the pastor, because people are watching. Even your children are watching.
Speaker 4:Everybody is watching.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so, so, yeah. So what was going on here? Looks like something is going on here. I see you reading him and what, what, what? Say it's hard, but that's why we must let people know that marriage is for grown folks with tough skin. It's not always the fairy tale and we're going to talk about that too. I understand what you're saying, but you shouldn't have to have tough skin. Just be respectful. Consider your spouse feelings. I believe that I agree with that. You know you got to you. You got to be considerate to one another. You know you got to be considerate. You got to be considerate because if you are not considerate, you are really messing with somebody's feelings because, again, no matter how long you're been married, no matter how long it is, they may have went through some things and they're working through some things and you're not being considered, or there are another person feeling that mean you don't care about them.
Speaker 4:I agree with that, but also I'm going to let me piggyback, piggyback off what first said, I think, in this content. What I'm getting from that is marriage is not a joke. Marriage is serious and if you're not in it for the long run, then don't play with it. It's not a joke.
Speaker 2:This is a person that you decided you stand before God and all these people where you going to spend all this money to let these people know that I am joining together with this man and I'm a holy matrimony before God and all you people, and we're going to stay together and we're going to work it out and we're going to do all that.
Speaker 4:If you're not in it for the long haul, don't waste your money in your time. And I mean and I think that's what I gather from that it's a work in progress. It doesn't happen overnight. You got to work at this thing if you want this thing. If Eric and I did not work at this 31,. We're going to be married 32 years in April and it's been rough, y'all it's been. We had some, some ups and downs.
Speaker 2:It's been down.
Speaker 4:And it was sometimes when we were going to therapy and I was going to listen. I'm going to pack all my stuff and leave dude, I'm about to bounce because he can make a connection with me. But I realized something that if, if I want this to, if I want this to work, I got to be able to bring my brain, my temper down because, like people always said, even this way, eric is the cool brook running through the forest and I'm the volcano and I had to bring that volcano down and he had to come up. You know, it wasn't well. It's like I was putting myself on the back burner.
Speaker 4:So I can submit to my husband and do all in and be this meek person. I didn't have to do that because it respected me enough to meet me where I was so we can grow and build together, right? So if you're not ready for marriage, marriage is serious business. And when you stand before God and you say God is joining you together, let no man put a sonda. That means God put y'all together, and when God is ready for y'all to separate, god is, separate you, and that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 2:That's a good sermon right there. They better know, they better know. And I say that same thing to guys, because we, a lot of guys, don't understand they take, they're taking on a responsibility, you know. That's why I say to wives don't take the responsibility away from the guy, because he's going to be here responsible.
Speaker 4:Hey, he was happy to take on the responsibility to be the man that lead A lot of men ain't like that.
Speaker 2:But they need to understand they're going to be here responsible when they meet in front of Jesus. They're going to be hell. If you're, it's 15, but this is good topic here. I hate to go. Yeah, I hate to go. If y'all want us to go a little bit longer, I know we finished in an hour, so I think we got 15 minutes. Okay, all right. So, yeah, let's get back on topic then.
Speaker 4:Oh, I'm just you know I'm passionate about marriage.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, me too. So part B of this is one is recognizing that you've been inconsiderate and taking responsibility and apologizing if you need to.
Speaker 4:Yes.
Speaker 2:All right.
Speaker 4:And not just saying you know, I didn't mean it, Babe, I apologize, I was above myself. I said some things that I shouldn't have said. Can you, you know? Can we work this out?
Speaker 2:Yeah. You know, I said it and, man, that's why I mean certain things. You can apologize and it'll go over. Certain things, man, like you said, like we said before, you just don't want to say it because as much as you apologize and harsh words will break, or somebody you know, you know growing up, sticks and stones may break. We're bones, words never. That is a big old lie. That's a big old lie because words can kill somebody.
Speaker 4:Words hurt more.
Speaker 2:Yes, the Bible says death and life is in the power of your tongue. Yes, it does. So if the Bible says death and life, that means you. A lot of people just think that versus about you. You know you speaking death and life about yourself. You can speak death and life to somebody else, somebody else, absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 2:You can speak to somebody with your words or you can speak life to them. You know, that's why I choose to speak life to you and you choose to speak life to me. I'm not speaking no death to you. They're not speaking no death to my kids. I'm speaking life to them, Right? So when I say you're beautiful, that's life. When I say you find, that's life. When I say you smell good, that's life. You know, I'm not speaking no death.
Speaker 4:I really like this perfume.
Speaker 2:I really like that perfume man, buy me another bottle. All right. Now boy birthdays guys getting expensive around here. Oh gee, oh Lord, yeah, mercy, all right, all right.
Speaker 4:Absolutely. What you absolutely about His message is there is something that was what Apology with action behavior. Don't just apologize and go back to the same old thing. Apologize with an intent to change, make it better, hmm.
Speaker 2:Got to get you in this. Make it better, because it's the same thing when we, when when we say God, I'm sorry, right, you can tell the persons that are godly sorry, but the ones is that they sorry, they got caught. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, the ones that are godly sorry man, they, if they eat, if they make that mistake again, it like man, it kills them, like, oh God, I did it again and it just so sorry, you know, they so sorry for. But the ones that they're the ones that are sorry for that they got caught, they're going to keep making it and keep making it, and keep making it, and keep making it until they see you packing your bags and leaving and then they going to be like where you going.
Speaker 4:Oh no, I had enough, because you can only push a person so far to when yourself worth, start to kick in and you be like you know what dude as much as. I like being a person as much as I like being married. I can't continue for you to bruise me and damage me. I'm a diamond in the rough, that's right.
Speaker 4:And if you keep scarring me, my value is going down, and if I keep standing here letting, letting you scar me up, then what does that say about me? What am I showing to my children? What am I, nieces, seeing? They seeing that I'm just letting you walk all over me. I have to be a stronger woman than that, and, the same way you know, some women do. Men like that too.
Speaker 2:That's a lot.
Speaker 4:Some women, they just tearing to their men. They don't build them up, they talk down to them. You ain't nothing, you ain't gonna never be that.
Speaker 2:I said, I pick you up from your corner tree You're supposed to be the leader? Then look at you.
Speaker 4:We ain't going Just tearing them down, tearing them down.
Speaker 2:You know that's no, you can't do that. Those are harsh words, they are killers. You know, I mean because, to be true, we told, men has an ego, men have an ego. I'm just telling you, you know everybody, you know men has an ego and once you kill that ego man, it's, it's, they're, they're done, they're done. So I'm not saying that you can't tell them that they're, you know. Hey, you know. Well, let's do this, let's do that, you know, whatever, but not Don't tear a man down because they would. It's hard to build them back up. And even with a woman, don't tear a woman down because, like you say, she's a diamond and you don't want to scratch the diamond, All right. So so that is so good. Because who's? Um Lynn cry scenario? You know, I'm not sure the name, but hey, she agrees, she says too many times we get an apology with unchanged actions.
Speaker 4:And we do absolutely. And then it makes us think, you know, here we go apologizing again for this. And you think, yeah, okay, babe, yeah, I got you, I hear you and it's not. It means nothing. The apology means nothing If you're apologizing for the same thing over and, over and over again we don't want to do it.
Speaker 4:You know, we, we, we can pretty much for bait on state of apology. You, why you're? You know, in our head we're marking it, we're saying it while you give it to us, because it's the same thing over and over and over again. Wow, like, give me a break. Yeah, you know.
Speaker 2:All right, so this is the one, malika, this is just. This is for you. All right, all right, hey, all right.
Speaker 2:So the last one is follow through on initiating reconnection. Follow through. Don't say you're coming back to talk about something and you don't do it. Follow through it on it, because there's nothing like. It's nothing like not follow through. You know you have to follow through. You know, if you were to want to request some space to process a calm down, then initiating a reconnection, when you come back you know, hey, I'm back, I'm back in. You know, hey, babe, I'm back in. You know, let's sit down and let's talk about this. Hey, I know I had a bad day or whatever, and let's reconnect, let's get back. You must do that.
Speaker 2:You know, now I'm going to tell you. You know I'm going to say, oh you, you again how we talk to our spouse. Thank you, it's very, very important. You know we can't tell them what they're supposed to be doing. You know it's very well, you're supposed to be doing this and you're supposed to be doing that. You're supposed to be doing that.
Speaker 2:You know it's a way to talk to them and say look, when you come back in, you know we need to really talk about this thing. Or, a matter of fact, if you ain't got to tell them nothing, just tell them to watch marriage in real life, the podcast right at this time and say listen to what, what Eric and boss lady P is saying. You know, just listen to what they're saying. They're not saying anything wrong or whatever. Just take their advice. When you come back in, you must reconnect. And back to the Greek, you know whatever consideration is, and just say look, I left, so let's talk about this thing. I left mad, I'm calm down, let's talk about it Now. I'm not saying that you don't leave to my need space and you're gone for two days and three days and don't even let your spouse know what's going on. You know, but you come back. You need to reconnect with you know, initiating the connection, what you reading over there.
Speaker 4:Oh, I'm just reading some of the response. Someone said it's hard to trust words that don't carry weight anymore. I totally agree with that. I totally, totally agree with that because, like, like we said earlier, action. You got to have action behind that. I'm sorry, you just have to, because if not it means nothing, especially if you go and do the same thing again and again and again. You know the Lord loves us and he forgives us. But we ain't got over and over again. But your spouse is not God.
Speaker 2:Not at all.
Speaker 4:So if it's not going to carry weight, keep it to yourself. You know, if you have a hard time really expressing yourself, sit down and write a letter write a letter. Eric and I used to write letters each other all the time we were upset with each other, because I know, you know, I would get back into my cursing and I didn't want to do that, so I would write him a letter and leave it where he could find it before he went PT and he would write me a letter before he go off the road and that's and we communicated like that because there would be times when we'd be upset.
Speaker 4:I'll go almost two weeks without speaking to Eric in the house. Now, mind you, I'm not speaking to him. The kids see I'm not speaking to him. The kids see that we got short answers with each other. The children know something is going on. They don't know what's going on, but they know something's going on, you know. So we have to really figure out how to do it, and if you can't really sit down and express yourself without the other person budding in, start writing, write him a letter. Yeah.
Speaker 4:Because at the end of the day, you still love him and they still love you and hopefully you can get it resolved. Yeah Well, you can have them watch marriage in real life.
Speaker 2:Well, they haven't watched marriage in real life. Hey, look at here. Malika says I hate when they leave and come back like it never happened and still aren't resolved. I was going to say it is something that you have to look within your spouse and say you know what? That's not the way to do things, that's not how we, that's not how we, that's not how we're going to do it.
Speaker 4:We got to finish.
Speaker 2:We got, we must, we must resolve this conflict. We must resolve because something is bothering you. You know what? I got to know, that something is bothering you. So I can't just ignore what is bothering you. Whatever is bothering you, let's get it out, because sometimes, within consideration between spouses, what, what you may think is a big deal, you know, may not be a big deal. What you think is little, maybe a big deal to somebody else. So you got to be considered to each other feeling, and you can't be so that ain't nothing. No, just say OK, ok, ok, all right, and try to work it out. But we, we, we got to do, we must do that. That's part. That's why we, we started what we started with. We say it is hard.
Speaker 2:It's hard and it takes practice. That's what we said. Right, that's what we said in the beginning is that it's hard but it takes. It takes practice. So, a lot of this stuff, it takes practice and keep practicing, keep practicing, leaving and coming back. Hey, come on, let's just keep practicing and working it out. Working it out, you may not get it right the first time. Yeah, let's a listen to marriage in real life, all right. Watching on YouTube, listen to you know, on podcasts, whatever you listen to, google I heart whatever. Let's listen to them.
Speaker 4:But that's an hour after that hour is done and I'm still mad at you. After I watch real marriage in real life, I'm still mad at you.
Speaker 2:But still now, if you what you couldn't tell your spouse right. So this is what we need to do, at least from marriage in real life. They heard it from somebody else and say, just you know, just take advice. That's just like counseling. You know we can do it a little bit of counseling, you know, just turn it on and say let's watch this thing together and let's practice on how to handle our next conflict. Absolutely.
Speaker 4:It's a bunch of eyes going back and forth.
Speaker 2:I don't know what these are Awesome.
Speaker 4:I love it, I love it, I love it. I love what you said. Well, you know, if you love me, show me. If you sorry, show me. And I totally agree with that. That is awesome. You know, like action speaks louder than words, action speaks louder than words, and you know what you got to be consistent in showing that you love them. You have to.
Speaker 2:You can't do it, for I'm so sorry, babe, but you can't do it for two or three days and think that's it.
Speaker 4:You better say that.
Speaker 2:You know what, you can't do it for two or three days. All right, I'll give you some. You know, don't be doing it for two or three days and say oh yeah go back to your way.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, no no no, no, no no you, you got to show your spouse that you love them, that you care about the emotions, that you care about them, and you got to be consistent in your life. You got to be consistent in their lives. You must be. You got to be consistent. Yeah, I think that's what a lot of times, that will kills a lot of marriages in consistency.
Speaker 4:I agree with that.
Speaker 2:You know, like you, like you often. Like you. Sometimes you tell me you you consistent with the church, but you're not consistent in loving you know. Loving you know, and doing this for me, or whatever. Right, you will say that Look at that hand, I'm being real. Right, you say you ain't consistent with the church, but you ain't getting system with this, and I have to sit back and say, oh, you know that mean, let me be consistent, because the first and foremost, the ministry is to my family, not to the church.
Speaker 4:Right, you're, you're out, you're our pastor first, before you're anybody else I'm your husband first. Yeah, you know, I like that part. I was not happy when you said I'm gonna be a pastor. I'm like, wait a minute, I'm gonna be somebody's first lady. We can't do that. I did not call me to that. But yeah, but yeah, my husband first. But you, you, you're, you're our leader, you know. So you got it. How can you leave the church if you can't leave your house? That's my concept.
Speaker 3:That's what the Bible says. How are you going to do?
Speaker 4:How are you going to, how are you going to leave the Lord's house? But you can't leave our house.
Speaker 2:That's the Bible. That's the Bible You're preaching. All right, All right. So we got these things here going back and forth. It says is it say Samson sometimes?
Speaker 4:Let's read Samson's comment first. Samson what he said he said, make it welcoming and be receptive to the feedback when they come back.
Speaker 2:Okay, all right, and then easy.
Speaker 4:Easy to read her.
Speaker 2:Is it says um, um. Sometimes the person is not ready. It's not about them and how they receive. Just say sorry and let God do the healing. Walk away and go pray about it. Take that up with God as the leader. Okay, all right, all right, all right, um uh. Ferg says amen, easy Jesus. And then Sam says indeed, all right, yeah.
Speaker 4:Okay, I'm not ready with that, but can I just put a pin in here just a little bit?
Speaker 2:Go ahead, put a pin in there.
Speaker 4:Okay. So when the person comes back, you have to let them know that that's what you want. You can't expect for that person to read your mind and say to you, um, you know, and give you that space If you're not ready, say I appreciate you coming back, but right now I'm not ready, and allow that person to go to God and do all the other stuff that you said, which is great. But you have to be receptive to receive. You know, even if you, even if you have to step back and dismiss it, and that's okay All right.
Speaker 4:So you're saying when they come back, you got to be, you got to be ready to, to you know when they could if you came back to me after we had a big blow up and you came back and you said you know, um, whatever the issue was like let's say folding the towels and you come and you was like you know, babe, I know you told me time and time again, skirt, I want to talk about that right now. Thank you for coming back. I need a moment. Just you know, I appreciate this. Allow me time to regroup process because women we have to process stuff that y'all and men do too.
Speaker 4:We be thinking like nothing hurts us more than for our significant other to think that we're stupid. Okay. And sometimes, when you guys come off a certain way, it take us there, like you know you been nothing.
Speaker 2:This joke, they joke.
Speaker 4:This joke. I think I'm stupid, you know. And so now that that's when women come in the pride of saying um, um, um, they don't want to submit because they think, because you think, that there'll be beneath you. Okay, we want to be equal. And sometimes in an argument, when they get heated and we're just sad and things are up, I'll put out there that you can't take back, and even sometimes it's not, it's not as bad. Right.
Speaker 4:It's back on, it's not as bad, but we need time to process. So if that person is safe, as you go for 30 minutes, maybe next time go for an hour, really give time to process it so when you come back you can address it head on, or hey, we're going to talk about this tomorrow.
Speaker 2:Right, it all goes back to practice.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It's hard, it's a practice in it, practicing leaving and coming back and you know whatever you know, and it all depends on what the size of the argument is and all that kind of stuff, but you got to practice it. You got to practice coming back, talking about the situation or saying whatever, but we but reality and truth and this you've got to take care of it.
Speaker 4:Yep, absolutely.
Speaker 2:So sometimes, again, that because we're talking about you know the love part. You may not feel loved, you know you may not be, you know, be feeling liked, but that's why you got to come back and reconnect, to show your spouse that I love you, baby, even though I stepped out, that don't mean I didn't love you, you know. And when you come back, yeah, I love you baby. Let's get this because, again, the enemy wants to break us up, absolutely the enemy wants to break us up and I would say I would, I would go father's and say that there's a lot of people that are watching me, watching us tonight. There are a lot of people where people have said and they spoken against your marriage. Not only the enemy is out to destroy your marriage, but people are laughing at you, know your heart breaks. They're laughing at your arguments because they want you to break up. There's a I would honestly say in real life, there's some people that want us to break up because they won't. They want you.
Speaker 4:But guess what? I'll be sneaking over to your house. I'll be coming right on the way. Open the window.
Speaker 2:All right. So when you're not feeling love towards your spouse, you know due to conflict or other circumstances, it's normal for you know negative emotions to win out, but and what it is that is trying to keep it down, because if it happens too often, it can take a toll on your relationship.
Speaker 2:Absolutely it can take a toll on that. So what you want to do, you want to work on being more intentional and showing love in small ways, not big way. Not she mad at me, I'm going to go and buy her a diamond ring, you know. Or buy her a car short and small gestures. You know, right, when I show you I love you in small things, like a. I buy you a Reese's cup, you know, and I send you a text I love you, like even Malika said when in disagreements they text each other. You know I do small, just small gestures, right, instead of a big gesture. You know that, really, really. I think that really shows you love, love you. You know, just like when you do small things for me that, well, my baby loved me. That's why words are very important.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I can remember being out upset with you at the mall and I'm like, oh Eric, I like this shirt. It's like I totally forgot. I was mad at him because I think this is a little nice on him. So you know, and you know, it's a working process and progress is a progress, a working progress or a working process, one of those words.
Speaker 4:Yeah, so it takes time and it's not going to happen overnight. Right, it's trust and belief. We didn't happen overnight and we're still still working on our marriage and we learn things about each other every single day and we grow. But one thing we have learned is that what God has joined together, let no man put a stop there Let no man.
Speaker 4:I say it all the time not me, not him, no man, nobody outside, nobody from the inside, no relative, nobody. When God is ready for Eric and I to dissolve, it'll be God, it'll be on God's time, and I just hope there's no time.
Speaker 2:He said no time to say I don't want to lose you, baby, all right, I don't want to lose you either, baby, all right, all right. So that's our topic for tonight. So we're going to have a little time, for if somebody wants to call in, they can call in and we'll love at the number right there is on the screen at 754-222-2219. They just want to share their thoughts. What you got over there, what you laughing about over there, I was just looking at the comments.
Speaker 4:You guys are awesome. Thank you so much for commenting and giving us a little bit more to talk about. But yeah, so it's serious and I'm grateful I've been. I think grateful has been my word for the last three years.
Speaker 4:I just said, I'm just so grateful for just, you know, the opportunity to just share some nuggets, because I'm no professor, I'm no marriage counselor, but I do have experience in. I just want to share it, you know, as much as I can, especially for the when I, when I talk about marriage, I'm so serious about that it's just it's too serious to be playing with it. Yeah, yeah, it's too serious. So, yeah, so I'm grateful for the topics.
Speaker 2:This call is being recorded.
Speaker 4:Uh-oh, we got a call.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we got, we got a call. We got a caller in, we got a call in. All right, here we go. All right, harold Samson, how you doing, can you hear us? Yes, sir, okay, I hear you. You got Ferg on the line. Hold on, ferg, we'll be coming with you next. All right, all right, talk to us. Talk to us, samson.
Speaker 5:First of all, I want to say both of you, I look beautiful, Thank you.
Speaker 2:Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 5:And uh, and I like uh, since, patty, I like how you put it when you said um, you know when they come back to say you know, thanks for coming back.
Speaker 4:Yeah, thanks for coming back.
Speaker 5:You can diffuse attention right away just by being. You know, like you say, like showing kindness, being kind. I think you got to say being kind was the first thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, communicate kindly.
Speaker 5:Communicate kindly. Yeah, communicate kindly. That right, there was like a great example of communicating kindly when they come back, because that had diffused right away, right when you say, hey, you know, thanks for coming back, but I'm not ready right now, you know like, yeah, and give you up yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I appreciate you All right, man. We appreciate you, man, we appreciate you, we love you. All right, love you. All right, man Blessings, all right. All right, we have Ferg on the line all the way from Jacksonville, north Carolina, north Kalkalaki how you doing Ferg.
Speaker 6:Hey, I'm doing well Y'all. Hey, thanks for having me on and hi to everybody else Quickly, quickly. I got three quick points, if I have enough time. Yes, number one, go ahead. I think it's number one. I think it's important for you all. When, when Eric said, do a little gesture when you're mad, if you're about to leave and you like, test the arm or something like that, in a serious argument, everybody still needs and wants hope, that little gesture, that little touch of the hand will let everybody know or at least let's say, if I touched her hand that in this argument I know we, we, we mad each other, but I'm not giving up on us.
Speaker 6:He on the other hand, going to receive. Yeah, he's mad, I'm mad, but this is not the end of us. So that little gesture really keeps hope going in the relationship.
Speaker 6:Yes, all right, yeah, number two. Why you? Why you start talking? If we're getting the number two is I'm going to skip the number three? This is a little funny story about us. When I was talking about how, but passing some by how she sometimes she's the fireball and Erica's all calm while they argue. Funny story I had was we was in California before we got to open out and.
Speaker 6:Donna was on fire and I was. I was, I was vacuuming and she was mad at me and Dante was on the computer and she started throwing stuff at me. You know, do a soda and every time she threw something I would either catch it or I would pick up. I wouldn't even got a mop to start cleaning up the soda that she had just threw. And she said the more she threw stuff that I would laugh or I would just keep cleaning up. And she said the more he cleaned up the matter I got. I understand that we all have different coping mechanisms, right? Oh, I know what it was. I know. The second thing was Eric said sometimes we tell our spouses or our significant other what they supposed to be doing, but I want to move it over to what we can't tell them. What we can't tell them is how to feel about a certain situation. Like if I hurt you, I can't.
Speaker 6:I can't tell you that you're not supposed to be hurting because of that little thing, I can't. Or if you come back from being upset and I'm not ready to talk, you can't tell me how to feel, wow. So you have to understand that every person has the right to feel the way they feel. Yes, I gotta give you you gotta give your applause on that one for it.
Speaker 2:Gotta give you applause on that.
Speaker 6:Oh, I know the word. I know the word, especially for the new couples, right, mm-hmm, four, five, six years, something like that? All right, we all learning. Like you said, you practice, we learn how to do better. Mm-hmm. We was in Hawaii and was leaving church. One of my choir members said have a good day. The other person I said hey, good day. Donna said did you see that? I said what she like she didn't see me. Mm-hmm.
Speaker 6:Whoa. Oh, I didn't think about it. I didn't think about it, but I needed to establish that. Don't kind of you, don't see my misses. Oh right, this is the most important person on the planet to me, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:All right.
Speaker 6:Because if I allowed her to only speak to me and not my misses, did my misses become insignificant in her life, mm-hmm, the other person's life, mm-hmm. And she even know that this is a package.
Speaker 2:Right, right, if we're going to be friends.
Speaker 6:it's a package that's showing that you're stepping up. It's showing everybody else that, hey, this is the one, this is us, not just me. Mm-hmm. So, but I had to learn that. So, young couples, everybody's not going to know what to do and how to do things right in the beginning.
Speaker 2:It takes time Right.
Speaker 6:All right, so, but then I appreciate you all. I'm going to get the phone. I know you all might be paying bill if I keep talking.
Speaker 2:That's right, I'm coming to get somebody out for money.
Speaker 4:Oh, they say Fer got here dropping Jim.
Speaker 2:They giving it to you. I'm going to give you applause on that for it All right, right there.
Speaker 4:That's my brother, that's my brother.
Speaker 2:All right, man, thank you, love you, love you too. Very good, all right, all right, but that was good, that was awesome. Oh man, well, I tell you, we got about one more minute for somebody to call. One more minute If somebody wants to call, we got about one more minute. If not, we got to get out of here. We got to get out of here.
Speaker 4:It's always so wonderful, though I was like we started out, but this is a very, very good topic.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4:Sometimes it's hard to love through the pain.
Speaker 2:Oh man, it's hard to love through it. But you know, thanks be to God that he shows us grace and we got to show Each other's. We got to show each other grace. Yes, right, we can't expect the grace from God or we can't expect the grace from the person and we don't give grace Absolutely. The Bible says whatever man saw it, that shelleys also read. Now you got the prosperity of the preachers that say that's about money, you know, but what if you, what you put out, if you don't put out grace, you're not going to get grace back. If you put out anger, you're going to get anger back. You keep putting out this stuff, that's what you're going to get back, whatever you. So that man is, that's what a man shall read. All right, all right. Well, don't look like there's nobody else is calling in, is it? We got any comments on there that we need to read? All right, they just, they just gave, they gave, they gave for. They gave for his props, they gave for his props.
Speaker 4:And that's all right, right we?
Speaker 2:hope tonight, because I know even my daughters they're not married. We, we, we hope that you got something out of tonight.
Speaker 2:You know, yeah, and so we hope that somebody watched this and listened to this. You know, on every podcast we're on Apple podcast, we are Spotify, we all eye heart. So if you want to need a listen again to it or again, like we were saying, if you have a problem, hey look, let's go and listen to this podcast, let's go and watch this podcast on real life TV one, let's go and watch this thing again and sit down and how to handle this conflict or how to to you know, when I don't feel lovely or you're feeling like loving you, I need to go and watch this because you know so. We thank God for each and every person who is watching with us tonight. We thank you all. We really really really thank you all.
Speaker 2:All right, and now don't forget or don't forget this we don't want the people Please make sure we had 10, we had 13, 14, 15 people Please go back and like this video, like it and share, like it, please Like and share. That's how we can get the word out on your when you go to your podcast, like it and share and leave a review. And you know, leave a comment. Even on our video on YouTube, leave a comment. You know that you, whatever you want to say, just put those you know comments down the week. Again, we thank you for watching them with us tonight and we want to say good night, thank you so much.
Speaker 4:Two weeks, two weeks, two weeks, if you're hearing this message.
Speaker 1:You've listened to the entire episode and for that we want to thank you from the bottom of our hearts. We hope you enjoyed this new episode and, if you did, please rate and review our show on your favorite podcast channel. Please share this episode with others who may be interested in this topic and also feel free to let us know what topics you'd like to see covered in future episodes. Get in touch in the comments on any social media networks at Marriage In Real Life podcast. See you in two weeks for our next episode.