Marriage in Real Life
Marriage in Real Life
The Seven Deadly Sins of Marriage
Marriages can silently deteriorate through seven deadly behavioral patterns that many couples don't recognize until significant damage is done.
• Refusing to change – digging your heels in when growth is necessary creates friction and prevents relationship development
• Assuming the worst – filtering your spouse's actions through negative expectations leads to disconnection and misunderstandings
• Blaming – pointing fingers instead of taking ownership creates division rather than solutions
• Shutting down – avoiding conflict through silence gives the enemy space to magnify small issues into major problems
• Fantasizing – comparing your relationship to idealized versions of other marriages or past relationships fosters discontent
• Keeping finances separate – creating financial secrets that can undermine trust and unity in your partnership
• Keeping track of offenses – storing up past hurts prevents healing and contradicts biblical love
Communication serves as the foundation for addressing all these issues. By talking openly, listening actively, and growing together with God at the center, couples can overcome these deadly sins and build marriages that thrive through any challenge.
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Welcome to Marriage in Real Life. Welcome, hey, yes, yes, we're so glad that you could join us this evening. This is another time to be happy.
Speaker 2:Yes, it is. Thank you so much for joining us. We're excited about the topic today.
Speaker 1:Yes, I mean for those who don't know, my name is Eric.
Speaker 2:And I'm Boss Lady P.
Speaker 1:And we're glad that you're joining us today. If this is your first time please tell us where you're watching from and put in your comments. Let us know where you're watching from. We would love to know that We've been getting a lot of downloads too. That's good. We're well over a thousand downloads, so that's good, all right.
Speaker 2:Thank you.
Speaker 1:Jesus. Thank you Jesus. Yeah, we're trying to move up in the top 40. You know that's a good thing, wouldn't that? Be so cool. Yeah, that'd be great. So we're so glad that you could join us this evening live on YouTube and, if you're listening via podcast, we thank you as well. So what's been happening these last two weeks, these past few weeks?
Speaker 2:Yeah, we these past few weeks. Yeah, I was out sick.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you were sick. Thank God you're doing good. You're looking beautiful, as always, baby, you're so beautiful. Yeah, yeah, you look beautiful, so I'm going to make sure I get that right off the top, okay, and I know you're on spring break.
Speaker 2:It helps when you relax.
Speaker 1:Remember we talked about mental health. That helps in your mental health.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Individually about mental health.
Speaker 2:That helps in your mental health, absolutely individually, in a together, as a marriage. Even I took the whole week off. Can you believe that I can from work? Yeah, that's it, definitely focusing on a lot of other stuff.
Speaker 1:Yeah hey, it's a good thing we ain't got no church sunday, so I don't have to prepare a message. I don't have to do nothing like that with church, so that's uh that's a good thing, everything, everything works together for the good that love the Lord.
Speaker 2:We're not having church here, but we will be going to church and visiting somewhere.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 2:We went to a concert in the park.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, yeah, oh man, I was thinking about that, it was not R&B, but it was definitely pop 80s and 70s.
Speaker 2:And it was amazing. We had a great time.
Speaker 1:Just to see the older people. Man, oh man.
Speaker 2:They were dressed with their afros and their bell bottoms and they were singing and dancing all over the place. It was awesome.
Speaker 1:And it was all the Caucasian people too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, it was a few of us in the crowd.
Speaker 1:There was a few of us in there, but it was the majority of them and just to see them have fun and we danced a little bit and yeah, it was fun. You forgot about that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I forgot all about that babe?
Speaker 1:Yeah, we had the church anniversary. Hey gave you 13 years. Yeah, 13 years 13 years, so we're glad of that birthday. Yeah, they moving on up.
Speaker 2:Juicy turned 11. Alright, cookie turned 16. And I believe Sugar Mama's oh, he's talking about Muffin turned 2 in February, but I believe Sugar Mama's gonna be 21. When, on the 29th, 29th, right yeah, we getting older we went by to see the great grandbaby yes sir, yes sir, she's a little button man, oh Lord, we getting older, we went by to see the great grandbaby yes sir, she's a little button man. Oh man, she's so short, she's a little button, a little shorty. Busy though.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, Very busy I think she's taking after her great granddad.
Speaker 2:You think so Her?
Speaker 1:mama's short too. So, Erica's short too. Yesterday it's been around 100 years and just to see the, every time I go to that church I'm very, I just get blown away. Just to know that I laid some bricks on that church, that they're in right now church grounds? Yeah, man and like we had to take the rocks and throw them away and just we, I had a hand in that. So every time I go there I'm like, oh so you helped build that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I helped build that, yeah, as a child yeah, as a child I helped.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so that's history of the earth and I always remember that hey, shout out to pokey shout out like bitch you said yesterday. I'm gonna stop saying I'm from a little town. I'm just saying, look, I am from pohokie, florida.
Speaker 2:Be proud, I'm a proper hokin oh, that's what they call y All right?
Speaker 1:All right, we see Rob G is on the line. Hey Rob, what's up, rob? How you doing? How you doing? John Russell is there, all right? So we thank God for each and every one of you being here. Please let us know. Please vote as well. Make sure you like and share While we're talking. Right now we're getting ready to get into the topic. Just go ahead and share. I'm pretty sure you have a marriage couple or even a single person, so they can get ready for marriage. That needs to know about what to avoid and we're talking, so we want to get right into our topic tonight. Are you ready?
Speaker 2:Yes, I'm ready.
Speaker 1:All right, we're talking about the seven deadly sins of marriage. Yeah, seven deadly sins of marriage. Yeah, seven deadly sins of marriage. Now we've been married for almost 33 years and we learned a thing or two along the way, but sometimes we learned the hard way.
Speaker 2:This is definitely some hard times and some learning yes, how could I say Some learning tasks that we had to do tackling the seven deadly sins. You know people think of when they say the seven deadly sins. They think of stuff from the Bible like pride and greed and jealousy and stuff like that lust?
Speaker 1:yeah, I looked that up. I'm going to tell you these are all of them. I'm going to get the seven. I'm going to show you what these are, all love amid. I'm going to get the seven. Let me show you the seven. Like you said lust, right, that's excessive desire for sexual gratification. Gluttony, that's a part of the seven deadly sins, right?
Speaker 2:You know what that gluttony? Let's stop right there. Gluttony doesn't always pertain to food, does it?
Speaker 1:Yes, it's overindulgence or overconsumption of food and drink.
Speaker 2:Okay, so alcoholic could be gluttony Because overindulgence of that, or even using drugs.
Speaker 1:That could be a part of gluttony, because you're overindulging what you're supposed to be doing Right. Then we get to greed, excessive desire for material wealth or possession, sloth have you ever seen an animal sloth? And so sloth is laziness, avoidance of work or duty. Ooh boy, I tell you, yeah, wrath, intense and uncontrolled anger or hatred.
Speaker 1:Seven deadly sins Envy, jealousy or resentment towards other success or possessions. And then the last one is pride Excessive belief in one's ability or qualities. It is often considered the root of all other sins. Pride becomes for the fall, and so pride is considered the root. So oftentimes, preachers, we talk about other things, but we don't talk about gluttony. We don't talk about pride a lot. We don't talk about envy a lot, but we want to talk about other things. But we don't talk about gluttony. We don't talk about pride a lot. We don't talk about envy a lot, but we want to talk about other things and so those are the seven deadly sins that's mentioned in the bible.
Speaker 2:Deadly sins deadly sins wow yes, sir okay, so we're gonna talk about some of the silent, deadly sins that can destroy or sabotage your marriage tonight. So I'm excited about that, so you just have to be careful.
Speaker 1:John Russell says I think gluttony goes beyond food. Okay, all right. Hey, amai, how you doing. Okay, I can agree with that. Yeah, yeah, goes beyond food. You can have too much excess. I would say excess of TV.
Speaker 2:Of anything that distracts you from God.
Speaker 1:Oh you boy, you preaching. Can't wait to hear you on Palm Sunday.
Speaker 2:That's why I asked, because in my study time I was like I watch 600 Pound Life and I'm just like I can't understand why these people indulge in so much food. And as I was sitting there and I don't know where it got me came across when I said is it only food? I was like huh, I remember Gluttony came across when. I said is it only food? I?
Speaker 1:was like huh, I don't think it's only food Right, right, right, right, I like that.
Speaker 2:So it's not just food, it can be anything Right. Anything that overtakes or distracts you, okay.
Speaker 1:All right, good to go. Okay, today we're talking about the habits that can silently sabotage our marriage if you're not careful. If you're not careful if you're not careful.
Speaker 1:Oh boy, you got to be careful. I like our podcast because it's a conversation. We don't lecture nobody. We don't claim to know it all. Right, we don't think because we've been married 44, I mean 44. Lord, I really. Hey, somebody gave us an extra 20 today, right? You remember when we was at the bank, somebody gave us an extra 20 today. And then, what you know, just talking about that, remember what, bishop? You told me to write it down too and I put it in here. Bishop yesterday said they've been married 69 years. Bishop.
Speaker 1:Sylvester 69 years and he's been saved 68 of those years. And he's 90 years old. And he looks good and he looks good. He always reminds me of my dad. I already tell you that I just want to give a shout out to Bishop Sylvester Banks of Bible Church of God. He's the overseer, so I want to give a shout out to him. Yeah, I'm sorry about jumping in there, so let's jump into the first deadly sin.
Speaker 1:We just let's get hey, hello there. What's all the way from Atlanta? All right, all right. So the first deadly sin we want to talk about is refusing to change. Refusing to change.
Speaker 2:That's a tough one, because sometimes it's like when you get married you'd be like I am who I am. Take it or leave it. This is what you married. I'm here to stay. There's no change.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:I can remember saying I'm from the hood and you don't like it, you married the wrong chick. Oh yeah, I was all in. You remember that?
Speaker 2:You know, I didn't want to hear what Eric had to say. I was who I was. I'm my grandmother's granddaughter. I'm going to shoot from the hill. I'm going to say what I want to say, and you never really asked me to change. I just think once I got into and deep in my relationship with the Lord, it just started changing. I don't even remember when it changed, but I'm grateful that it changed, that it changed.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because it can cause so much friction and I can remember it causing so much friction between the two of us like to the point where I don't have nothing to say to you. I can literally be in the house with you for a month and only say yes, no, I don't know, A month, it was that long.
Speaker 1:Oh boy. Sometimes, oh, wow, yeah, I mean, you know life happens and if you dig your heels into something you refuse to grow, then something is wrong, right, yeah, it can cause major friction. Maybe you have a short temper, right? Or you can't unplug from work unplug from the church and so when we go on through marriage sometimes those things in the beginning they seem so minor.
Speaker 2:As life goes and you're lifing and different things kids come into play new careers, or you're going from one job and now you're getting into your career, so you're pouring yourself into that. Sometimes things just you just get caught up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you get caught up. But Bible says be transformed by the renewing of our minds, and marriage is one of the best places for that to happen.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Right, that's one area where we had to grow. Like you said, we had to grow.
Speaker 2:Everybody, and we're still growing oh thank God for that. Yes, we're still growing, so it's a process of learning one another and be willing to shift in a different direction to get a better outcome.
Speaker 1:Right, right, right. Because you remember last, I think last time we was talking to the Stokes and I was saying that I'm a fixer, I love to fix things right. That's just me. And I had to learn to change from that, from being a fixer to a listener to you Right, and so I'm glad I did. I could have refused to change, but thank God I did change that. That would have drove. That would have drove a bigger wedge than we had if I just kept doing it and doing it. And sometimes you still have to remind me, say, hey, I just want to talk to you, right. Sometimes you still have to remind me Say, hey, I just want to talk to you, right.
Speaker 2:Yes, I don't want you to fix it. I don't want a solution, I just want you to listen, just want you to listen, sometimes I can figure it out myself when I'm speaking it out loud and I'm telling you, I can figure it out on my own, because sometimes things get so caught up in between our heads and we're thinking, and then we don't really solve it.
Speaker 1:So when we come to you as if we want to someone to hear us out here. Right, right, right, we figure it out along the way. Yeah, you do, you do, you do so, man, sometimes our wives just wants us to listen to them. Uh, not fix everything, so, yeah, so that's the thing. So our second, let's go to our second one. Okay, all right. So our first one was uh, never refusing to change. Right, if you live long enough, you got to change. Right, you could get you. Just don't talk about I ain't gonna change, nobody ain't gonna change me, right, but if you live long enough, you will change because you love somebody, right, you're gonna change who change? You are not your true dna, your individual, but you're just how you handle things. You're gonna to change who change.
Speaker 2:You are not your true dna, your individual, but you're just how you handle things.
Speaker 1:You're going to learn how to change more. All right, so our second one is assuming the worse. Assuming the worse, that is our second one assuming the verse.
Speaker 2:What do you mean when you say assuming the verse?
Speaker 1:when you start assuming your spouse has bad intentions, you know you always everything gets filtered through that I assume that she's going to say no on this Right. That's the worst, instead of asking so what happened? Is that? Now, everything that I come to you, I'm already thinking that you're going to say no, so I'm going to assume the worst and, as filtered, now I'm going to go around and tell people my wife is just negative. She's negative all the time. She always say no, she always say no. So if I keep saying that and keep repeating that in my mind, right when I speak to you and ask you certain questions, I've already come to you thinking that you're going to always say no. I've already come to you thinking that you're going to always say no, and that's how I approach things.
Speaker 2:Sometimes, given in the dynamic of things, if someone comes, if someone come to me and say, hey, I can't really think of it. But if somebody come to me and they ask me something, something that I know that you're going to say no about, okay, is that negative?
Speaker 1:No, that's not assuming the worst, assuming like I say okay, okay, say it like this. Say I don't think I don't care about your feelings, right, right, I don't care about your feelings. Then, no matter what I say, that's how you hear it Right, no matter what I say, because you already said that I don't care about your feelings. So if you've already got that in your mind that I don't care about your feelings, you're going to already have that negative thought in your mind that I don't care. So, whatever I say, you're going to say yeah, you don't care, you don't care, you don't care, even though I care, but because you already assumed the words that I don't care, the way you approach me is I don't care.
Speaker 2:Right, yes.
Speaker 1:Right. So that's why I said assuming the worst. If you think I'm going to always say no when you approach me, you're going to always say when you, I ain't talking about nobody else, I'm talking about you. When you approach me, you're going to always say that Eric going going to always say no, he's going to always say no and that's going to be your mindset. When, in essence, you assume the worst without asking me. And it could be yes, it could be yes, but you always think it's going to be no. So what happens? You don't even ask.
Speaker 2:Only if you give me a reason to be negative, I'll be negative. I mean, I wouldn't just say, nah, I'm not even going to ask him because I know what his answer is going to be. If, in the fact that in the past, your answer has always been something negative, then I'm going to be negative. So that energy is going to literally come from you, based upon how I respond to being to assuming that you're just going to be not positive.
Speaker 1:Without assuming, then that's not part of the deadly sin. That's not part of it. Assuming takes action, that I've done it so much time that you assume that I'm going to always do it. That's when you say he might say it. When you put the word he might say it. You're not assuming the worst. When you assume the worst, when you always think that negative thing.
Speaker 2:Again. I mean, I don't know you guys can chime in on this, but again, if every time I've come to you have to give me a reason to have that assumption, that's what I'm saying. I'm just not going to snatch it out of the sky and just be that way. It has to be something that lead up to that.
Speaker 1:That's all I'm saying. So you're saying an action by me caused you to assume the worst.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:I don't think that's part of it. I think you assumed it, just like you always tell the girls always ask me, don't assume that I know, or assume this stuff like that. It was no action of you. They just assumed that you wouldn't say something, that you wouldn't do it. It was no action of you. They just assumed that you wouldn't say something, that you wouldn't do it. It was no action of you because your action was always an open book.
Speaker 1:You can come to me anytime, but I'm assumed that mine will understand. They assume that it was no. Your action didn't cause them to assume that you wouldn't understand. They just assume that you wouldn't understand because I don't know why they assume that you didn't understand because you always said I'm an open book, come and talk to me, I'm open. So I would say not all the time I say I can say I can agree with you. With that it may, but a lot of times in, I would say, in marriages, you just assume this person is going to do something, when exactly they're not. Because you're constantly growing, I'm saying you're constantly growing. I'm saying you're constantly growing.
Speaker 2:I agree.
Speaker 1:So if you're constantly growing, don't assume something because it happened in the past. I guess I can go with you Because I was negative in the past. Don't assume it five years later that I'm going to always be Now that I can roll with Okay all right that I can roll with.
Speaker 2:All right, all right, hey, cool.
Speaker 1:That's why I say hey, this is a conversation, I love it.
Speaker 2:I'm just saying, because it's like greed, I won't go and snatch something out of the past and say, oh, 10 years ago he said no, he was this way about that. No, I wouldn't do that. But if it's something that's consistently been causing me to feel that way, then I mean Right, right, right.
Speaker 1:So this is the gist of this. So, instead of assuming the worst, ask questions, get curious.
Speaker 2:Okay, I can roll with that.
Speaker 1:You can roll with that, I can, okay, all right. All right, let me talk about the third deadly sin.
Speaker 2:Blaming.
Speaker 1:That's the third deadly sin. Now, that's easy to fall into. When things go wrong, it feels natural to point the finger, but blaming your spouse only deepens the divide. And Jesus said it like this take the plank out of your own eye. Out of your own eye. In other words, you got to start with yourself.
Speaker 2:I agree. I also agree that there were times when I was like Lord, this man that you gave me, he is this, he is that. What is going on? This is not what I asked for.
Speaker 1:You were praying, like you was Moses, people that you gave me man, I know I prayed for this Lord and I don't know.
Speaker 2:I don't know how I'm gonna get through this. But then I had started to say I switched it. I switched the whole prayer around and said Lord, created me a clean house renew the right spirit in me helped me to be a good wife helped me to be a good mom, guided me to be a good listener, a partner, and when I started asking God to fix me, then it was easier for me to understand where you were coming from. And in the same process of God fixing me, he was changing things with you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he's working on me.
Speaker 2:So I took I had to pray for myself.
Speaker 1:That's it.
Speaker 2:I had to pray for myself. I know you say I know you pray for others, but more or less I think what I was praying for you was complaint, more or less about you than praying for you.
Speaker 1:Oh, say that again, say that again.
Speaker 2:More of my prayers was about complaints versus for you. Yeah, you don't know what you just said. I can't remember. You cut me off right in the middle. What did I say?
Speaker 1:I mean, you repeated it, but you just don't know the gist of what you just said.
Speaker 2:I understand, because sometimes we get to complaining, we get to prayer planning. Should I say prayer planning to God about I don't know what I'm doing with this man or I don't know how this is going to happen? Yeah, we get so frustrated that our genuine in our mind, genuinely, we go to the Lord. Lord, I just want you to touch my husband and he would say you know what he did and before you know it, we're talking about all of the negative things, and sometimes the negative things are a few things in between, but we don't say Lord, I thank you that he loved me, I thank you that he's kind. Lord, I thank you that he found a good thing. I thank you, God, that you strengthen him every day, that you cover him from his head to his toe. We can get caught up sometimes, but we have to look within ourselves and sometimes the blame is us, because we so focus on maybe careers, the children, cleaning the house, cooking, Cooking.
Speaker 2:Doing the stuff that society says is our responsibility Baking biscuits or whatever. Sometimes we do blame. We blame when we're tired, we blame because there's so much to do. Yeah, I can get that, but if you continue to point the blame, it's going to always be a division. You got to be able to come together.
Speaker 1:I love it. I love what you just said, man, that prayer planning. That's exactly what we often do. We want to say she ain't doing this and she ain't doing that, instead of looking at us and say, okay, what am I doing? Because I'm a firm believer, as we tell people in our counseling is that, look, when you go down to Ephesians, don't stop looking at what she's supposed to do. Look at what you're supposed to do. Just focus on what you're supposed to do, because you talk about submission, that ugly word that some people really don't understand.
Speaker 1:But if I am doing what God told me to do love you as I, as Christ loved the church, and cherish you and do all of these things for you, then submission is going to be no problem. You often say that it's not. As long as I follow Christ, you're going to follow me. But I can't come up to you and say you're supposed to be submissive. Now I done stepped into your role and telling you what to do, right, and now what you're going to do. You're going to say you're supposed to love me and love the Christ.
Speaker 1:So not as an argument. So let me do what I'm supposed to do. Let me focus on that and let me pray for you. Instead of complaining about you, I need to be praying for you. That's what I need to do and, as spouses, stop complaining about the person and pray for the person, but make sure you focus on yourself, because nobody in a marriage is perfect Nobody. So look within yourselves, as I said, keep the plank out your eye, look within yourself and say, like you said Lord, create in me. David didn't say create in nobody else. He said create in me a clean heart and renew the right spirit. Yeah, right. And so, if I get right, I know my baby going to be right, right, all right, amen, yeah, so when we both do our part, but it does invite healing. It and we both do our part, but it does invite healing.
Speaker 2:It does, it's healing it does and it just makes it easy. Not that there's not going to be some ups and downs, but it does make being in that relationship easier. You can go to that person. You can't be in a relationship with a person where you got to be on eggshells and you can't go to them and tell them what you're going through. Right and how you're feeling You'd be like nah, I ain't sharing that with them. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:That's right, all right, so now we're at number four. Number four and I can relate to this Seven deadly sins in marriage. Shutting down, shutting down. I can relate to that.
Speaker 2:Sometimes people shut down to avoid conflict. That's you.
Speaker 1:That's me.
Speaker 2:But when you shut down, you get from my point of view. I don't know about others, but when you shut down to me it's like you don't care.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:It's like I don't care, Get over it. She gonna keep going at it, but I ain't trying to hear that right now. That's what I see right right, I just assume that you don't care. Walls up, so if you're not gonna talk to me, I'm gonna go in another room. Okay, possibly close the door, because now I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to see you, I want to be in the same room with you.
Speaker 1:Oh man, that's not good.
Speaker 2:That's not good I mean earlier in our marriage, where and not only that, like it's always assumed that we want to argue, we don't want to argue. We want you to hear where we're coming from. We want you to listen and hear completely where we're coming from. We don't want to argue, just like y'all don't want to argue, but when y'all shut down, it makes us shut down, and once we shut down, we'll hold it. We'll hold it.
Speaker 1:And shutting down to start putting up walls and, like you say you want to talk.
Speaker 2:The communication has to be there in order for it to work.
Speaker 1:Right, yeah, it has to be there. You always say you talk about it. The number one thing in any marriage is communication.
Speaker 2:In most relationships.
Speaker 1:In most relationships.
Speaker 2:It's communication. You have to know where the opposite person is coming from. You got to be on the same page, you got to try and understand where they're coming from and you got to also be in a mode sometime of compromise.
Speaker 1:Again, communication is just not talking, Communication is listening. That's the full round of communication.
Speaker 2:Because now, like if I'm talking to Eric, I say now you want to repeat that back?
Speaker 1:to me what did I say? I say you don't need to say. To repeat you said you understand understand what I'm saying?
Speaker 2:no, because I don't want you. Are you doing your active listening?
Speaker 1:active listening active listening.
Speaker 2:It's so important and not just to be bossy or anything but that that's shutting down. Yes, you know how the enemy sneaks in. When you shut down, don't even talk about it. What the enemy does? He comes in and he reminds you of how the enemy sneaks in when you shut down.
Speaker 1:Oof, don't even talk about it.
Speaker 2:What the enemy does? He comes in and he reminds you of all the stuff from after the I. Do he start reminding you? He be like oh yeah, I forgot about that. I'm serious. You give the enemy so much opportunity to sneak in right there in that shutdown.
Speaker 1:Yeah, in that shutdown period and he get to talking to you.
Speaker 2:Like that little devil on one shoulder and a little angel, he get to talking to you. You remember that time he used all the toothpaste. Remember that time he didn't even roll it up. He didn't even change. Just a little bitty nitpicking things, and now, while you're sitting there in the shutdown, you're getting madder and madder, and that's what he wants. He wants to destroy the communication so he can destroy the foundation, so he can destroy the marriage.
Speaker 1:That's it, baby, you're talking. And so Ephesians 4 and 26 says do not let the sun go down while you're still angry. That means deal with things, and I know we take it as I mean. I ain't going to be angry.
Speaker 1:Sometimes we take that scripture and we say but I ain't gonna, I ain't gonna go to bed with her. So at one o'clock something happens and we wait to 11 o'clock to deal with it because we don't want to go to bed with it. No, we need to understand that scripture really means to deal with things. Right, then you know, deal with it. That's what we need to do, and not wait. And not wait, deal with it. Because you often say if you keep not dealing with things, let's think about this. Like you said, if something happened at 1 o'clock, you shut down and you say I ain't going to go to bed, I'm going to 11 o'clock, I'm going to talk to her Between 1 o'clock and 10.59 pm. Boy, that mind is going crazy. Yeah, it is. So by the time you want to sit down at 11 o'clock. Oh no, it's too late now. So you need to deal with it right away.
Speaker 2:I was thinking about that scripture that could be using so many other things about not letting the sun go down while you're angry. That could be like in pretty much any relationship.
Speaker 1:Any relationship yeah.
Speaker 2:That was just like mothers and daughters, okay.
Speaker 1:Brother, yeah, yeah, it's like mothers and daughters. Okay, yeah, it's your brother.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, it's hard to sleep when you're upset with someone. You toss you turn, you toss, you turn and I guess you don't get a good night's sleep because you tossing and turning.
Speaker 2:And I remember at one point I used to say I go to sleep but I wake up so tired it was because I had so much on my mind, many things running through there, and I wasn't giving myself the proper opportunity or time to rejuvenate, to rest. Even now, my watcher tell me take this moment to wind down. You should definitely, you definitely should wind down, and then don't sit down and wait for the other person to go to sleep first.
Speaker 1:Be like hmm, it's late, now you can go. Jordan asked the question how would someone stop shutting down? What do you think? How would someone stop shutting down?
Speaker 2:Can I talk from my?
Speaker 1:experience. My experience is that you got to intentionally know that shutting down is a problem. Once you intentionally know that shutting down is a problem, once you intentionally know that shutting down is a problem. And again, like Lady Patsy said, I shut down because I wanted to avoid conflict. But out of that conflict come answers. And once I realized that out of that conflict is going to come answers, I'm going to hear her, she's going to hear me, and we're going to be able to solve the. I'm going to hear her, she's going to hear me, and we're going to be able to solve the problem.
Speaker 1:I had to intentionally not shut down. So you have to discipline yourself, that look for the greater good and for the greater cause and for the marriage. I got to not shut down. I got to face the problem head on, right, and this is what I need to do, and I need to not shut down. So, on, right, and this is what I need to do, and I need to not shut down. So when I want to shut down, I need to get back up. Ok, baby, let's talk about this. So that's what I would say.
Speaker 2:Yeah, one of the things he would say to me would be how can I make this better? What would you like to see from me? And when he would say that, I'd be like, ok, he cares about my feelings, he's not just blaming me and shutting down, he actually wants my opinion on how he could help me address whatever the situation is. And I found that like it took years. It took years. And when he finally said how would you like for me to help you in this, what could I do? And I was like, and then I would go ahead and tell him. So that's kind of how we address things now. If I'm having an issue or if we're having a disagreement, he knows. If it gets to the point where I just can't be in the same space with him, I go for a drive and when I come back is we good to go. But we don't sweep it under the rug, we address it, right, right.
Speaker 2:We're addressing it in a more of a calmer atmosphere. Yeah, that's cool.
Speaker 1:I hope that answers your question. Jordan, put it in there. Make sure you let us know if that answers your question, all right, all right. Now the fifth deadly sin. This guy, he could be taken out of context, right?
Speaker 2:This guy, he could be taken out of context, right? The fifth deadly sin is fantasizing, right yeah.
Speaker 1:You may scratch my head. You may scratch my head. What do you think about that fantasizing behavior?
Speaker 2:It could go farther than just being sexual.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:It could go way deeper than that. It could be wishing your spouse or someone else longing for a marriage that exists in your imagination, like the picket fence with the two kids and the dog and the cat, and you got to build to those things and just different aspects of what you consider. The perfect marriage is Something they see on TV.
Speaker 2:Something you, yeah, the Housewives of Atlanta, hip hop Miami, and I think we get caught up into what we see, especially when we focus on what's out there, but we have to remember that we are not. We're in this world, but we're not of this world. When we put God first. He directs our path.
Speaker 1:And I wouldn't even go. I know I put it on TV, but sometimes we fantasize about other people's marriage, right next to us in church, even our parents. But, man, I wish my marriage was like my parents, not knowing that they had arguments. They just didn't argue in front of you. I don't say fight, I don't say fight. They didn't argue in front of you. I don't say fight, I don't say fight. They didn't argue in front of you. They didn't do this in front of you. Oh, they had problems, they got secrets, they got all these issues, but you just don't know about it.
Speaker 1:So sometimes we fantasize about that, fantasize about people in our church, and when we say fantasize, not that man like Bishop Sylvester at 69. Well, I hope I can get to 69. I live 90 and we can and I hope I can get to that, and that's not fantasizing, that's like man, that's a goal to get to. But if I get to the point where I want to fantasize at what it would be like and what he went through and I want my marriage to be perfect like he is, I want this and I want that, no, that's fantasizing and that is completely wrong.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:Completely wrong, because, again, you don't know what that person went through.
Speaker 2:And I think every relationship, every marriage, is going to go through some ups and downs. Right, it's how you come out on the winning side, how you address that. I would never I don't know. I have never came across a married couple that I would say that I wish my marriage was like that, because I'm too busy trying to focus on my marriage. I appreciate longevity, I appreciate that they're still together and that there's a goal. Okay, if they could do it, we could do it. If God bought them to it, god can bring us to it. So I think I'm totally focused on that. Yeah, so I think that I think the biggest thing would be in this particular thing would be sexual, would be. No one wants to be compared to someone else. No, definitely no woman wants her husband to compare her to his ex-wife, his girlfriend, first love. None of that, we don't want. None of that.
Speaker 1:I will tell you this before we get to the question, Tyrone's question, before we get into it. I often tell guys a lot of times we have this ego problem, Guys, we have an ego problem and oftentimes, when it comes down to relations and you know what I'm talking about we want to be the first one because we have egos, and we want to be the first one we tell our wives ain't this the best you ever had, Ain't this good? When you say that, you laugh. When you say that, what do you cause your wife to think?
Speaker 2:Right, you had a whole bunch of people.
Speaker 1:You causing your wife now to look back and compare you to the rest of them. Right? You thinking that, oh, this is an ego thing I'm going to, but what you're doing at this particular moment now, your wife had to look back and say, oh yeah, but is she going back in her memory? Is she going to lie to you? Or is she going back to her memory? And if she did have somebody better, she ain't going to say it, but now she done thought about the person that may have been better, right? So, sometimes, as an ego, stop asking questions and introducing those things to our spouse. Stop asking questions because what you're doing, you're introducing those things to our spouse. Wow, stop asking questions, because what you're doing, you're introducing those things to our spouse. To think about what happened in the past, right, just focus on the now.
Speaker 1:Comparison yeah, you start comparing yourself, Not comparing yourself with relations, how you handle things or whatever. Stop doing that.
Speaker 2:Okay, because, if you notice, we never ask y'all.
Speaker 1:We gots with it there, All right. So let's deal with Tyrone. We got a question. So fantasies pull us out of reality. Tyrone says what do you do when you can't come to an agreement before you go to bed? What you think, baby, you want me to handle it first and you go, or what I think you should handle it you should gosh yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2:If you can't come to an agreement, before you go to bed, pray, pray together. Ask God to be in the midst of the decision, to help y'all come to that agreement. That way you've given it to God and you can rest in peace.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:God will definitely give you a direction on how to come to that agreement, but first you've got to let it. If you've discussed it all day and you ain't coming to no conclusion about it, yeah, I pray about it so you can rest easy and rest.
Speaker 1:And I want to go a little farther on that as the man, as the priest, as the pastor, the house people say that you initiate it. Come say, baby, I know we can't come to agreement, we got to pray about this one. I know you're mad at me, but you're looking here. We love each other. First of all, we love each other. This ain't a divorce thing. We need to just come to agreement. So let's pray and hold hands. I know you're mad at me, but, baby, I need you to hold my hand and let us pray about it. And again, you're not praying to Lord, fix her.
Speaker 1:Lord help us come to a resolution, and it don't have to be no long prayer, because the longer you pray, the longer you start saying stuff that you don't need to be saying. So you say Lord, forgive us, lord, let us come through a solution to this, guide us, we need it, we need wisdom on this thing. Lord, help us. And then just say Lord, we're opening up our heart to you, and sit there and let the Lord open up your heart. All right, tyron, I hope that helps. Let me know if that answers your question. But I think that's good, baby, I love that. I love that.
Speaker 2:All right, number six. Number six Keeping your money separate. Whoa.
Speaker 1:Whoa, this one is huge. This one is huge. Keeping finances separate can create hidden areas in your marriage, and Jesus said this. He says where your treasure is, that your heart will be also. So combining your finances isn't just practical, is an act of unity. And I would say on that that's the sheet. We got a little script that we read and everything like that. But I don't know, I think it all depends on what you agree upon in the beginning.
Speaker 1:Some couples they can keep their money separate and have an account where they pay out their bills. Right, they pay out. They say, okay, everybody's going to contribute to whatever and we're going to pay out our bills out of one account and we're going to have a savings account where we are saving up for something. So you have that, but we're going to keep a separate account right. The reason why I tell people sometimes I tell guys and I tell women I said because if you just have one account or two accounts checking and savings when I want to buy you something, I'm going to know, you're going to know how much it costs.
Speaker 2:Where you bought it from, where.
Speaker 1:I bought it from and I got to come to you. I got to come and ask you permission because this is our joint account, right. But if I have a checking account for bills, a savings account for us, that we saving up for a house, we saving up for this and we're putting money in it, whatever, and I have my own little thing over here, what I buy from you, you don't even know, right, you don't know how much it costs.
Speaker 2:You don't know where I buy it from, you don't? You just don't know, you don't know. So look for the receipts. I wonder how much he paid for this. Oh, my goodness, I can't believe he spent this much money on this oh man.
Speaker 1:The papers say, when you combine everything, it creates trust. I mean, I think again, there's a level of trust that you have as far as the bills, as far as the savings, that hey, you're putting $100, I'm putting $100 in. Everybody knows both of them have access to those two accounts and you have access to that trust. But what I do and I keep mine, hey, I want to spend it on this. I want to spend something on you.
Speaker 2:I want to spend on that. What she's saying is you got a little something I don't know about. She's trying to say, bro, you got a little something I don't know about, hey.
Speaker 1:I keep a little something on the side, you ain't wrong bro, just in case a little something, a little special occasion Valentine's Day, okay, birthday Anniversary, christmas. Let me shut my mouth, I'm done for the night.
Speaker 2:Don't keep it going.
Speaker 1:I know you got a little something.
Speaker 2:Hey, you taught me well, I learned from the best. Let me tell you something I never had a bank account until we got married.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:Nope, I never had a bank account. My family didn't have bank accounts. We just did what we did. I never had a bank account until we got married.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:Man 33 years ago.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I knew how to balance it. I knew how to add and subtract, but I just never had an account. But I don't hide anything from you. You have access to all three.
Speaker 1:Hey, no, I don't have access to all of them because every time I try to get on that phone when you're trying to access you what you looking at. I what you licking it. I know you got a little something. You saving up a little something, just in case I do like that.
Speaker 1:No, no, no special occasion special occasion your birthday, father's Day, christmas hey, I want to say to all the guys if y'all been saving up for a little something, just you know, put a little hearts, put a little hearts in the chat. If you've been saving a little something, just you know, put a little hearts in the check. If you've been saving a little something, you got a little something on the side, unless you don't want to tell your wife that you got a little something on the side.
Speaker 2:But I agree, though, to know where you're going and what's going down, the bills are being paid, and that account together. I think that's great. I don't think it would cause you to have any, as long as the two of you agree, right, I think it's okay.
Speaker 1:Right? Yeah, I think so too. I think so too. Make sure you like and share. Please, Make sure you like and share. Like and share, All right, all right. So let's keep your money separate, All right. And this is the final one. And here we go Keeping track of offenses, Keeping track of offenses.
Speaker 2:Because even Corinthians 13 and 5 says love keeps no wrong, no record of wrong, Forgiveness not being easy. It's not easy to forgive, but it's necessary for the strength of the marriage the foundation of the marriage. I used to hold stuff like that against you oh man. Yeah, Mr Player Player, you were tampering me, oh man, you were dogging me. I used to say, boy, oh boy, one of these days. We're getting back, we're getting back oh man, but I matured in Christ. A lot of things that I thought was important became unimportant.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:The most important was like getting the kids to high school, getting the kids into college, getting the kids out there productively. That was my main focus. Not to pay back and not to bring up. Oh, you remember that time when I let you borrow $78 to pay your insurance on your car? You never paid me back my money.
Speaker 1:That's it. You've been keeping a fence ever since.
Speaker 2:And that was in 1989.
Speaker 1:We were dating and you still know the exact amount. How much is it again?
Speaker 2:$87.52.
Speaker 1:I think you put an interest on that thing. I thought it was like $78.
Speaker 2:It's been almost 30 years. It should be no.
Speaker 1:I think you put an interest on it, probably the next time I ask you.
Speaker 2:Oh, so you remember. I think you're going to pay me my money, though.
Speaker 1:Probably the next time I ask you, you're probably going to say $98.12. You're going to keep adding, you're going to keep that $12, but you're.
Speaker 1:Oh Lord, have mercy. Jesus, it says, do not keep offenses, do not. It was a good night tonight. I had fun, but again, a lot of times we focus on the seven deadly sins in the Bible, but there's some things that we should do within our marriage and these things will cause our marriage to just go down, and we don't want to do that. We want to make sure we have healthy marriages. That's our goal.
Speaker 1:One of the things in marriage in real life is to make sure that we are open, we're transparent to a point of how we are and some of the things we went through, and we're just here to offer advice and to create a healthy marriage for you and your spouse. That's what we want to do, and so I hope that some of the things that we said tonight really that you can, you and your spouse can sit down and have a conversation yeah, because that's all about is having a conversation, and we want to create a conversation between you and your spouse to sit down and say what are those things that that we are not doing? Which of these deadly sins do you think you need to work on? Which one of them? And so, if you are here. I want you to just drop a comment, drop a chat, and let's grow together. That's what it's all about. We in this thing together, babe, babe, oh man.
Speaker 2:We learning from you. God is directing us A lot of times when you put things in the chat and after the podcast, when we're sitting at dinner, I'd be like you so-and-so said what do you think about that? I really like that, and then we get to just kind of coming up with our dialogue on discussing it and what we took from it. So your comments really do help us a lot more than what you think. We appreciate it.
Speaker 1:Oh yes, we really. I mean, I know I appreciate it, I know I do All right and I'm putting them down here in the chat for people to, when they come back they can go right to what we talked about on the go through them and before we go but what we talked about.
Speaker 2:I'm going to go through them before we go. What did Melissa say? She said we need to talk.
Speaker 1:Is that what you said, bud, we need to talk All right, here we go.
Speaker 1:I'm going to do them in this. I know one or two, I think I got it mixed up here, but one was really refusing to change. Number two was assuming the worst. Three was blaming. Four was shutting down. Oh, that's something I can relate to. Number five where was it? Number five is fantasizing. Number six is keeping your money separate and number seven is keeping track of offense. All right, so those are the seven deadly sins of marriage.
Speaker 1:And look the bottom line and you said it, we talked about it the bottom line, how we say that pride, how I said that pride is the bottom one of all of those we talked about, that I would say the bottom thing of all of that is communication, communication. If you communicate, you won't be assuming the worst, because you're talking about it. If you communicate, you won't refuse to change, because you'll be talking to each other about it. You won't be blaming nobody because you communicate. You won't be shutting down because you'll be talking Too much. Right, you won't be fantasizing and talking about somebody else. No, we're talking about ourselves and we won't be fantasizing and talking about somebody else's marriage. No, we're talking about ourselves and we won't be keeping our money separate. We communicate and we're talking about where the money's going this, whatever, like that and you can make a joke about it. Hey, I got my little something over here, whatever, and you're fine with that. I'm fine with that. You won't keep track of it, for instance, because you're talking about it and everything.
Speaker 2:So I would say the bottom line the foundation of all of these is communication, you agree. I agree with you. When I look at the ones that you mentioned from the Bible, I'm like I think I can be a bit prideful sometimes.
Speaker 1:So I guess the question is is there a such thing as good pride and bad pride? That's a question. Is there such thing as good pride and bad pride? If anybody got that answer, let me know, because I firmly believe there's a such thing as good jealousy and bad jealousy. I think good jealousy and good jealousy strive you to be better. Bad jealousy tells I want what you want and I want to take what you want and what you got.
Speaker 1:So it doesn't strive me to better. It doesn't strive me to better. But good jealousy says you know what I want. I want what you want, but I don't want to take what you want. I want to go through the steps in order to get what you get. That's my personal thing, all right. So does anybody think there's a thing here we got about? We got three minutes? Does anybody think that there's a such thing as good pride or bad pride? What do you think?
Speaker 2:I think that when I say I can be prideful, I am. I'm proud of the accomplishments that I made. I'm proud that I can pat myself on the back and say, girl, you're doing well. Honestly, I am doing way better than what I thought I would be and at this point in my life and I come from my background and I don't boast about it, but I testify about- it because I know it was a goodness of the Lord that has gotten me to where I am today.
Speaker 2:I'm proud about that and when I share it, I don't share it to be boastful Right. I share it as a. I've come from a mighty long way, but it didn't come on my own. I always put God first and I always let people know that if you don't know this girl from the hood, when I tell people my background and where I'm from, they'd be like what. Like for real, and I'm like, yeah, and like you said you proud to be a. Pahokian.
Speaker 2:I am proud to be a Pahokian and you should be, and I'm proud to be from God's home. I'm proud to be from across the track. I am because if God could change me, if God can make thing and make my cricket letters straight, then he can do it for anybody in my neighborhood. You either sold drugs or you did drugs, and the very few people in between you were the prayer warriors. So I'm proud of that. I'm gonna continue to be proud about it and I don't see where that could be a bad thing.
Speaker 1:But I don't know hey, I don't think that's, I don't think that, I really don't think that's, I don't think that, I really don't think that's a bad thing, babe.
Speaker 2:I really don't. Hey Lucille, hey Lucille, Thanks for joining in.
Speaker 1:Hey, Melissa says communication and respect awesome topic. Okay, All right, Give a shout out to Melissa. Yay, hey, Lucille Jordan says I think you can be proud of your marriage, but you don't need to use it to feel superior or put others down.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, that part right there, son, that part right there.
Speaker 1:That's good. I think you should be proud of the accomplishments of you and your spouse have made Absolutely. People may look at us and say because I talk about our kids and their accomplishment in their education and where they are and what they've been doing, and I'm proud of them and, like you said, I don't say it to be boastful.
Speaker 1:Right, right I say it, to say that look what they did. Look, we didn't have no money and they did it all on their own and they got the masters and RNs and management. I mean they're doing all of these things. And I'm not saying to be boastful, I'm just saying I am.
Speaker 2:Look at God. Look at God.
Speaker 1:Yeah, look at God. Look at God Because, honestly, there are some things we talk about. There are some things that we wanted to do for our kids that we couldn't do because we weren't financially able to do. And you look back and I said, man, I wish we were able to do this and I wish we were able to do that. But look how they came out, look what they did, and I'm so proud of them. And I'm not saying to be boastful, I'm just saying look at God.
Speaker 2:But even saying, within the mayor, a lot of that and they look like they just this and they that. But let me tell you we've been in the fire. Yeah, We've been scorched.
Speaker 1:Oh, God yes.
Speaker 2:By the grace of God.
Speaker 1:But the thing about it, we came out of the fire and we didn't even smell like smoke.
Speaker 2:Nope.
Speaker 1:Why are you looking?
Speaker 1:here, I'm going to stop preaching here. And that's just how things is, man. When you believe in God in your marriage, when you believe in God and you put God first, you will go through hell and high water, you will go into the lion's den, you will go into the fire. But when you go through the fire and you know that you trust in God, even in the fire God is with you in that fire, when you come out, you will come out and don't even smell like what you've been through. So that's why when people look at us they don't even realize it that we went through, because we don't smell like the things that we've been through. No remnants. No remnants because of God. And that's the only reason. That's the only reason. So that's why we often tell people put God first in your marriage, put reason.
Speaker 1:So that's why we often tell people put God first in your marriage. Put him first, put him first, don't put him last. Put him first so when the things happen, you'll be able to walk out, put your head up and not smell the night smoke.
Speaker 2:And do your part. Put him first, do your part. That's important. You put him first and don't do your part.
Speaker 1:We got to get out of here.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, yeah, okay.
Speaker 1:We'll be here, but thank you guys so much. Thank you for joining us. Please make sure you like and share. For those who Not watching us Live on YouTube, they'll be listening to us On Apple Podcast, spotify, iheartradio All of those things. We appreciate you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, staying this long and listening to us have this conversation and we hope that you can just download and watch us. Make sure you leave a five-star rating. Please make sure you leave a five-star rating with that and we just thank you so much for joining with us tonight and we just want to say good night and good night.
Speaker 2:Good night.
