Marriage in Real Life
Marriage in Real Life
NAVIGATING THE LOVE, LOSS AND LEGACY OF A HUSBAND: THE PASTOR BARR’S STORY
In this heartfelt episode of "Marriage and Real Life," Pastor Barr shares a deeply personal and inspiring journey through marriage, faith, and loss. She reflects on the profound themes of compromise, communication, and the central role of Christ in maintaining a strong relationship. Through stories of her own marriage, listeners gain valuable insights into the dynamics of love, prayer, and mutual respect.
Key takeaways from this episode include practical advice on financial planning, goal-setting, and the importance of open dialogue in avoiding unmet expectations. Pastor Barr, with her moving account of supporting her late husband through illness, shows the strength that faith and compassion bring during difficult times.
The conversation highlights the emotional journey of grief and the need for self-care, particularly within the African-American community. As Pastor Barr discusses the powerful concept of the "I love you box," introduced by Wesley Ferguson through the chat, the episode emphasizes preparing for the future and living a life aligned with one's values.
Whether navigating marriage challenges or seeking deeper connection, this episode offers a rich exploration of love, resilience, and legacy. Join the conversation and reflect on how faith and commitment shape our lives.
Season 3 intro done by Carolena
Season 3 Outro done by Carolena
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Well, welcome to Marriage and Real Life. Welcome, well, we're so glad that you could join us today for this special occasion in season three. Are you excited about it? I am so excited, all right.
Speaker 1:All right, good to go. All right, we're going to give a hand clap out to everybody who's watching. Make sure you tell us where you're watching from, put it in there in the chat, you know, so we can give you a shout out throughout the show. Um, as well, you know. So we want to make sure we do that, uh. So, hey, you know what's what happened these last two weeks. You know we always started out with that. Well, we, you know, we've been so busy. Um, talking to your mic, babe. Okay, let me pull it a little bit close. Yeah, you know, I don't know why you can't get that right.
Speaker 2:You know what? Let's not start that. Okay, so it's here, so I don't want to turn this way.
Speaker 1:Can you scoot over there?
Speaker 2:Okay, I can scoot over.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there you go. Okay, I know you're trying to be close to me and everything.
Speaker 2:You know, I know, all right, good to go. You know, smell good, look good.
Speaker 1:All right.
Speaker 2:Date night. We went on date night Friday night, oh thank you, babe. You took me down to what was the name of the restaurant Delray.
Speaker 1:I don't forget the name of the restaurant. Was it something? Houston something? No, it wasn't no Houston. You thinking of the marriage retreat? That wasn't no used to you. You thinking of the marriage retreat?
Speaker 2:that wasn't you know okay, well, nevertheless, I had a fantastic time okay good, all right, so good, you're gonna clap for me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I did good. You know you might do all right, all right, so I did good. Yeah, we had a good time at dell, right, I wish, you know, uh, we could have walked it a little bit, but it would start raining, yeah, you know, and everything like that. So, so, yeah, so that was it. You know, I got a call today from from Nikki, you know, talking about you know, our grandbaby, who you who came and you said that she was a genius.
Speaker 2:He was a genius, all right, tell y'all. Y'all, leave me, oh God.
Speaker 1:Here we go again. All right. So yeah, again all right. So yeah, you know. And that you know in fifth grade she has, they have um already marked her to be taking um high school courses in the seventh grade and then in 11th grade, be beyond doing dual enrollment. So they've already marked her to doing that. She's getting like a hundred percent. Um, she said that you know juicy has been turning in work and has been you know what's the word Organized. I said Juicy, oh Lord, not Juicy, not the Juicy we know, you know, but you know how that go. But hey, you know, I'm so proud of Juicy. You predicted it or did you prophesy it? Which one is it?
Speaker 2:I got to be careful with my mouth alright, I did I told y'all, in the field that I work in, I've come across zillions of children, from infancy up to 5 years old. I've seen it all, but I had never seen anybody just so focused like she was, even like at 4 months. I used to read to Nikki's belly um green eggs and ham. Green eggs and ham or read it to her belly every night like you ready?
Speaker 2:she's like mom. I'm like listen, I'm giving her bedtime story and I remember babysitting her. She had to be like maybe three and a half, almost four months and I say, well, let's read a story. And I, when I grabbed the book, I said green eggs and ham. And this little baby leaped out my lap to grab that book and I guess she was like wait a minute, I know this. And I was like babe, this is not normal. So I was like she a genius. I told y'all. But we got this other one coming up and she's smart too yeah yeah, she's smart too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, matter of fact, leading on to my, we had a mod this weekend and royal we did. Grandparent and god, parent, dude and boy, look at him. We were exhausted At the church on Sunday. Boy, I don't usually take a nap, I watch football, but Lord, I had to take a nap. Boy, they wore me out. Y'all out there on the painting and twisting. I'm out there dealing with them two, boy, I'm telling you. But it was good, it was good.
Speaker 2:That's another thing. Me and the ladies of the church a few of them couldn't make it this time, but we did do painting with a twist, with a breast cancer awareness thing we had a good time. Of course I don't paint very well, so I told Lee, can I just use my fingers? And she was like we're in this other finger painting class, that's where I should be, I should not be over here. But it turned out great and I've truly, truly enjoyed spending time with them, Because sometimes you got to get outside of the walls of the church and fellowship.
Speaker 1:Yeah that's right, that was great, that was a great time, and you know, and so we know that this month is Breast cancer awareness month and domestic violence a month. You know, I know some other things, but these are those are the two main things, and we just want to make sure that not every you know everybody. You know. You know you get to get checked and breast cancer you know it's a myth that is only for women, it's for men as well. So we got to make sure we get check as well.
Speaker 1:So we just want to just give a clap to all the breast cancer survivors, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, you did it, you did it, you went through some heartaches and some pains, and and for those who's going through, I just want to let them know that God got you Right. Right, god got you. You know he cares for you. I preached that message yesterday. I ended it, finally ended my sermon series. Huh, yeah, uh, you know, uh, he cares for you and he really does cares for you.
Speaker 1:And so, and with domestic violence, I tell you what a joke. Would better not be hitting on a woman, a woman, I'm telling you. Now, you know you have to go and lay some hands and get some oil, get some special hands, and that's another myth too is that you know that it only happened to women. It happens to men too, and and sometimes you know, like, like Jordan had said to me, you know, being ashamed is, is a thing that keep a lot of Christians, you know, from telling their story because they are ashamed and, and a lot of men, they'd be ashamed that they're being abused by their wives, you know and I'm talking about physically abused, you know, and so we got to just let it out, you know, and don't be ashamed, and so I thank God that real life church is a safe place that you can talk and there's no judgment and you know, if something like that is happening, we want to be able to deal with it in the right way. Right, all right.
Speaker 2:And just a shout out to you know, as a domestic violence survivor myself, you know a lot of people don't realize that it starts in high school.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:These young boys. They control and dominate these girls and they think it's okay because he's cute and he's on the football team. So if you know of a young girl, if she's just popping up with bruises out of nowhere and she's not athletic or she's hiding, just pull her to the side. I think if someone were to pull me to the side, I would have realized my value and not continued in that violent relationship. It's not just the physical, it's the power, it's the control of them, thinking of them, wanting to have every aspect of you and you think it's all fun. And you think it's all fun and you think it's just so cute. He loves me. He don't like when I talk to the next guy. No, baby girl, he finna. What do y'all call it in football? Is it basketball? Okie doke?
Speaker 1:He finna okie doke you, let's box a bit.
Speaker 2:See, I don't even know. Boy, I tell you but he fin going to give you the business. So you know they really need someone to encourage them and let them know that it's a better way. It's a better way. So I just the Lord had laid it in my mind in prayer this morning about teenagers and they really suffer.
Speaker 1:It's a really, really large percentage of them that suffer with domestic violence in high school and college. And when it comes down to marriage, you know if a man is beating on his spouse and the children are saying we got to understand what the scripture says, you know that a man should love his wife as Christ loved the church. I've never heard of Christ abusing the church. I've never heard that, and so sometimes I hate to say this. But sometimes in the church amen, I've never heard that, and so sometimes I hate to say this, but sometimes in the church it happens more in the church than it do outside. It's been happening, and the church has been responsible for keeping women in I hope I don't get in trouble keeping women inside the household. Uh, be saying that, don't worry about it, baby, just pray for it, just keep praying, keep praying. He going to stop, he going to stop, and the church has been responsible for a lot of women that are dead. I just said the church is because we've been all in these religious rules and taking the scripture really out of context. But I've never seen, I've never heard of the Christ abusing the church and he never will. Right, all right.
Speaker 1:So hey, that that's it, that's my spill, that's my sermon for tonight. You know I always gotta get a little sermon. You know me, I gotta get a little sermon. Well, tonight we are so happy to happy. I'm ecstatic, I'm just, I'm just overjoyed to have our guests in the house, pastor Barr. She's been a dear friend with the church for a long time and so we're so glad to, you know, to have her in and have her speak. So we're going to welcome Pastor Barr.
Speaker 2:Welcome beautiful.
Speaker 1:Hello, all right, all right, hello, hello, all right, all right, yeah, yeah, we're so glad that you could join us tonight. You know so, pastor Barr, how you doing.
Speaker 4:I'm great, I'm ecstatic to be here. I'm just so happy that you all thought of little old me oh come on now.
Speaker 1:Come on now. Come on now. Well, before we got, we got Nikki in the house. You know, from Tallahassee, hey Nikki, what's going on? You know, we got to give him a shout out. We got the little Richards in the house. You got to give a little Richards, you know, a shout out, you know. So just keep letting us know that you're in the house, you know. So, pastor Bart, tell us a little bit about yourself.
Speaker 4:Tell us a little bit to the audience and just tell us a little bit about yourself and everything. Well, I'm the senior pastor of the New Life Praise and Worship Center here in Fort Lauderdale, a church that my late husband and I started At this point about 20 years ago. We started the ministry and we built the ministry together and um we, we went through. Well, since this is a marriage um marriage podcast, I'll tell you our story.
Speaker 1:Okay, All right yeah.
Speaker 4:Good, good, my husband and I. We met in February of 1994. Okay, we got married in August of 1994.
Speaker 1:Oh no, come on, Y'all didn't date that long.
Speaker 4:Six months.
Speaker 1:Oh boy.
Speaker 3:All right.
Speaker 4:Six months All right. He didn't tell me, but he told other people. He told some of his close people. Said when I saw her, that's my wife, that's my wife.
Speaker 1:That's almost like what she said. You know, she told somebody yeah yeah. You know I was a little cute, little something there.
Speaker 4:He said when he saw me, he knew that I was his wife. And but as we started talking, because a dear friend of ours introduced us to each other and he was like he's really interested, let me give him your number. So and I'm like no, no, no, he was a pastor and I had grown up in the church. I have a lot of family members who were in ministry and I worked in ministry pretty much all my life. I want a pastor, and I had grown up in the church. I have a lot of family members who were in ministry and I worked in ministry pretty much all of my life.
Speaker 4:I didn't want a pastor. I knew what came with that. I knew the responsibility and the accountability that came with that. So I really didn't want a pastor. And when he kept pursuing me, so I was talking to the Lord and I'm like Lord, is this what I'm supposed to do? And he gave me confirmation yeah, this is the one, this is the one. So within a six-month period of time, we were married and then we stayed married for 28 years.
Speaker 1:All right.
Speaker 4:Awesome 28 years 28 years, 28 years. We were married until the Lord called him home. And the thing of it is he wasn't just my husband, he was my best friend.
Speaker 1:All right now.
Speaker 4:He was my best friend. We were able to work together in ministry. We worked together in life. We had a blast. We could confide in each other and we had a blast. We had we. We could confide in each other and we had a no judgment zone.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 4:We were able to live life together and we really enjoyed life together and seeing some people need to understand that, even though you have to go through struggles in marriage because nothing is even though we are, though the two are becoming one flesh, you're still two individuals.
Speaker 1:Yes, sir, yes, sir, yes, sir, you're still two individuals.
Speaker 4:So he comes with his history, I come with my history, and then we have to blend it together and it comes with compromise, it comes with commitment, and that's the problem a lot of times we don't want to compromise and we don't want that commitment. Oh man we don't want that commitment and and, and I always teach that you, we will. Christ has to be the first.
Speaker 1:Right, that's right. We need to be the first.
Speaker 4:I let you know on that one, because going through some things that you have to go through, it'll take God and God himself to carry you through. So we always have to have that Christ at the center, at the center of everything. And I think that that was the biggest thing that really kept us moving forward, because through the tough times we could pray together.
Speaker 3:We could pray together so through the tough times.
Speaker 4:We could pray together. Okay, we could pray together. You know, it's easy when we're having fun and when we're laughing, but when the darts start flying, Right. You're having the issues not only in your marriage, but if you're having issues with because we were in ministry, having issues with ministry, we were able to come and pray together and so we had that connection. We had a connection, we had commitment, we had Christ the center of everything. So that helped us a lot in our journey.
Speaker 3:Okay, so yeah, did y'all argue.
Speaker 4:I'm not one to argue, oh okay. He used to get upset because I wouldn't argue.
Speaker 1:Ooh, that sounds like somebody I know.
Speaker 4:No, I wouldn't argue. We had disagreements. Yes, yes, we had disagreements, but I wouldn't argue. I wouldn't argue. And it was funny because when we got married, he was already a pastor. He was a pastor and he was a math coach, so he taught teachers how to teach.
Speaker 4:So he was in leadership in both of his professions. I was in leadership in my day-to-day job. I was an administrator with the school system, so I told people what to do. So when we came home, both of us were in positions of power. But when we came home, we had to release that. We had to release that. So I no, I didn't, I didn't argue.
Speaker 4:And he, he would say to people you know what, I try to fuss with her and she won't even argue. She won't argue. No, because. But I was saying, but it was funny because he says you know, I tell people what to do all the time. You're the only person that I can't just tell what to do. But yeah, but we were both in positions of leadership outside of the home. So when we came home, we had to work on that, we had to tweak that and I had to step back a lot, step back. I had to step back sometimes because, again, being in a position of power and being an independent woman, when we made that connection, some things had to change some. Some things had to change.
Speaker 2:Yeah so did you find it difficult? Like, like, stepping back and like because sometimes I have it, I'd be like you know what I need to choose. I need to tread lightly, because he's not one to argue. He'll be like okay, pastor, fine, I'll be like. So now I'm thinking you don't care because you don't listen to my feelings and you're not responding back. But I had to realize it took me a long time, okay, and. But I had to realize it took me a long time, okay, and it took me a long time to step back and say, okay, because I come from a big family, I'm like the oldest of 200 and something, grandchildren, wow, and it's just him, his mom, his sister and his dad.
Speaker 2:But I come from a tribe, okay. So it was hard for me to tone down, because in the tribe if you don't say if down, and the tribe If you don't eat, you don't eat. So you had to do a lot of speaking out and being noticed and standing up for yourself In the midst of all that. So it was really hard for me to Come all the way down and say I don't have to do that anymore.
Speaker 4:Absolutely not, Because they used to call me the way down and say I don't have to do that anymore. Absolutely not. Yeah, you don't, Because they used to call me the quiet storm. Okay.
Speaker 2:I can see that Okay.
Speaker 4:Because I'm not going to argue. I'm going to tell you what I feel. I'm going to tell you what I think should be done, and then I'm going to step back, and that's how I operate. I still operate like that. Now I'm going to step back, and that's how I operate. I still operate like that. Now, I'm not going to beg anybody to do anything. I'll ask you to. If I have to ask you more than three times, I just assume that that's not what you want to do. Right, right, and you have to learn to choose your battles. You choose your battles Because every battle is not worth fighting. Yeah, every battle is not yours.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, battle is not worth fighting. Yeah, every battle is not yours. So, yeah, yeah, every battle is not yours. So, stepping back from that, when you, when you said, okay, because you guys are both powerful people and you know leaders um, how did you manage that? You just stepped away and say, okay, this, this ain't worth the fight right now well, it took a lot of intervention by the Holy Spirit.
Speaker 4:Okay, it took a lot of intervention by the Holy Spirit in order for me to learn, because it is learned behavior to learn, you know. Okay, so this isn't even worth a fight, just let that go. Not everything is. And then you know what you find, because I'm, I'm, I'm going to tell you, as you know, the, the lord, set it up where he took us out of the man. You know, he took, he took us, we're the rib, we're the rib. He took us out of the man and he gave man the position of leadership. But and I get a lot of times questions that come to me that say, you know, with couples where, well, she won't submit, she's not submissive. And I explain it to them this way Submission is a compound word, so to come under Mission, a plan. So I ask the question what's your plan?
Speaker 4:And a lot of times a lot of times they can't give me a plan. Okay, so how is someone supposed to come under a plan that's non-existent?
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, I like that.
Speaker 4:So in most cases, where the battle is, where the struggle is, is a struggle. It's a power struggle where they're calling it submission and if you read the scripture, it tells you to submit one to another.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's right. That's right. It tells you to submit one to another.
Speaker 4:So if it's a plan, a mutual plan, that makes sense. Who doesn't want to follow it?
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's right, all right, and that's it, that's what I'm doing like this.
Speaker 2:I guess I gotta do that I'm always saying you know what, I will follow you, but you have to have a plan, and that plan consists of you following god. As long as you follow god, I'm gonna follow you. You know, and it's easy for me and we we run into that a lot too when we do marriage counseling about why should I submit? He need to submit. Okay, wait a minute. I have to tell them that submission is not a bad word.
Speaker 2:Not at all, it's not a bad word at all and when he's doing what he's supposed to do, you'll be submitting without even knowing that that's what you're doing. You'll be submitting with the gut, like you say, with God in the center of it.
Speaker 4:If, if, if the man, Is it in alignment with?
Speaker 2:the word of.
Speaker 3:God.
Speaker 1:It's easy to follow it's easy to follow Y'all talking some good stuff we had. While you were talking, we had Jonathan Russell joining us. He's saying looking forward to the words of wisdom and gems that will be shared in this episode. We got Ferg.
Speaker 2:Hey.
Speaker 1:Ferg. We thank God for Jonathan and Ferg.
Speaker 2:Thank you for joining us.
Speaker 1:Yes yes, I guess it goes on to the question when you said compromise, was it difficult to compromise as well? You know, given you being an independent woman, Was it very difficult for you to compromise.
Speaker 4:It was something that I had to step back and look at myself. I had to look at myself because I was accustomed to getting what I wanted when I wanted it and how I wanted it.
Speaker 3:Yeah yeah, yeah, amen.
Speaker 4:And so I had to step back and take a look at myself. Take a look at myself and realize that not everything was necessary. Not everything was necessary. And so, as long as it was a compromise, that was for the good of the relationship, why, why won't you do it? Why won't you do it?
Speaker 2:I like that. Yeah, so, because that's where I'm starting to find myself now. Eric and I've been married um 32 years okay, and I'm starting to find that compromise it's, it's not bad, not a bad thing, it makes life so much easier. It's drama-free, and Eric and I are best friends too.
Speaker 4:But I tell you, it was definitely learning, Because, let me tell you a lot of times, for instance, you might want to take a European vacation. Oh Lord. Pastor Bart please don't put nothing in my head, okay.
Speaker 1:Don't put nothing in my head the next thing you know she be talking about. Hey, let's go, Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Speaker 4:You might want to go to Paris, but the budget doesn't say that you can afford to do it. So let's step back and think about this Is it worth me spending the mortgage money to go to Paris when we can go to Orlando and have a good time with each other? Orlando, here we come Exactly Compromise If it's good for the marriage, if it's good for the household. We have to sit back and think about some things sometimes. So compromise is not a bad thing, does it make sense? So let's sit back and think about that. Yeah, so Okay.
Speaker 1:What you say, to what you say to people or marriages where they would say, well, I'm the only one that's compromised. It seems like you know, like you gave an example with Patsy want to go to Europe or Paris and say she keeps saying this and seems like to her she's the only one that's compromising. It's like he compromising. It seems like he's not compromising anything, but seems like I'm the only one compromised. What do you say to people like that?
Speaker 4:You need to sit down and have a conversation. What do you say to people like that? You need to sit down and have a conversation. Communication is key. Communication is key. That's another one of those C's that we have to deal with Communication, communication. With communication your marriage will go a long way. But communication, because a lot of times we go on assumptions, we go on assumptions, we go on assumptions and a lot of the problems that we deal with are expectations unrealized expectations and the unrealized expectations is because they have not been communicated.
Speaker 4:They haven't been communicated. So you just need to sit down and have an adult conversation. An adult conversation, because no marriage can be one sided. It can't be, it can't be, it won't work. One sided.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 4:You both have to be able be willing yeah, both have to be willing to give and take Right, so I can't have everything I want my way all the time and never consider my partner. Yes, yes. We have to consider each other.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, yeah, for you know we got to. We got to delay, but you know it's about 15 seconds delay. And Ferg says, when he talked about the plan that I got to use that Pastor Burr, I tell you it says, if we have $500 a month, that's $6,000 a year, that's 24K in four years. See, that's the plan that she can submit to. You know that he's given the amount of money. This is what we're going to do and that's a plan. You know, and I think that's a good deal. You got to have a plan, you got to and you got to write it and make you know, write it and make it plain. One thing, patsy and I do she just took down the thing, but we got to get ready in December.
Speaker 1:I guess you know, go away and we write down our plan for the year. What is our focus? The first thing we always do we say God, and people are like what we go to God. We say God, we want to give this amount of money. In tithes, that's where we go to God. We say we want to give this amount of money. We don't look at last year and we say we want to give more and we want to give.
Speaker 4:And people say well, why y'all do that?
Speaker 1:Because we know, if we go to God and say we want to give this amount, god will supply our needs in order to give that much. Absolutely, absolutely Right. And then we just start going through what's happening in January, february, when is our vacation, what are we going on? And we make a plan and we write it down and we go through it and this is our vision for this year and this is what we're going to do and how we're going to do it. If there's any deviation from that, you know we always come to one another and say, hey, I forgot about this, I forgot about that. But you know, like you say, we have to make a plan, you know, and do it that way. What do you think?
Speaker 2:Absolutely Step by step, you know, and sometimes we have to add in stuff because somebody is a busy person.
Speaker 3:Oh boy, Add in more things.
Speaker 2:A busy person, oh boy. And then more things and I'm like okay, but yeah, I think it's important to to to, when you see the vision, write it and make it plain.
Speaker 4:Well, you know you say it, sometimes things are thrown in there, so we always have to tweak life.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 4:We always have to tweak life.
Speaker 1:I'm writing all of that.
Speaker 2:I got some notes over here. Yes, sir, we got some notes.
Speaker 1:Tonight, boy, I'm telling you guys, we got to tweak life, we got to tweak life, we got to tweak it. You know we may have a plan, but God has another plan, another plan Got that baby, all right, all right. So tonight we really wanted to get into the marriage vows, to get into the marriage vows thanks to my lovely wife who came up with this series, and it's in sickness and the health and till death do us part. I believe you could do both of them. We have a friend that's on VIRG, that also a very, very dear friend of ours, who also lost his wife and he's, you know, okinawan friends. So we were, very matter of fact, she loved breast cancer, right. And so one marriage retreat he came and he talked from where he was in North Carolina, we were in Orlando, and he gave our retreaters something to think about Orlando and it gave our retreaters something to think about.
Speaker 1:And we've often, like I was telling you offline is a lot of times, young couples that's getting married, they don't really know what they're getting into, right, and you got to say what you said because you know, because they they really don't know. And when you try to tell them, yeah, okay, and if they haven't seen their parents go through it, they really don't know. But in sickness and in health, you got to. You got to be there for your spouse Got to. Yeah, it's no going away, it's no. Well, let me pay for an aid.
Speaker 4:We don't have that kind of money to be paying for an aid, right and so I want you to just tell us your experience with Bishop and how it was for you, your thoughts, and you know any struggles that you had when he was coming through the sickness part with Bishop. Well, in our journey, my husband, who was a walking miracle he really was. He was a walking, talking, breathing miracle In our vows.
Speaker 3:We did take the vow in sickness and in health, forsaking all others till death.
Speaker 4:Do us part. And when I make a vow, I take it very seriously and we were speaking about, you know, a lot of the people who we marry now, the young people who get married. They don't realize what they're getting into because a lot of times they prepare for the wedding but they don't prepare for the marriage Mm.
Speaker 1:Hmm, yes, I got to get in.
Speaker 4:They prepare for the wedding, but they don't prepare for the marriage. The wedding is just going to be a celebration for a day.
Speaker 3:Mm, hmm.
Speaker 4:But the marriage is something that they need to prepare for for a lifetime.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes.
Speaker 4:And even though she may be 36, 24, 36 right now Talk to us Over the years.
Speaker 2:All of that's going to change he might be big and strappy right now.
Speaker 4:You know this hunk of a man. But all that's going to change. You know that six-pack turns into a keg, yes sir. And so things change, things change, and over the years. That's just nature. Things change, and over the years, that's just nature. Things change, people change, and at some point in time, one or the other is going to start having some health issues.
Speaker 4:When we got married so we thought both of us were healthy and like five years into our marriage my husband was diagnosed with kidney cancer. I think it was about five years. It was early on, I know.
Speaker 4:He had kidney cancer, which was found, quote unquote, by mistake, and when they took the kidney all of the cancer was in the kidney where he didn't have to have any chemo or radiation. When they took that kidney all of the cancer was removed. Then it went on where we had other issues. He ended up with having to have a AAA bypass. Okay, yeah. Because he had aortic aneurysm which they found by mistake.
Speaker 3:Oh, okay.
Speaker 4:Okay, mistake, which usually when they find that it's too late, right, they ruptured and they bled out. He ended up on dialysis because the other kidney went and we had several issues that we had to deal with and through each stage, we dealt with it together. We dealt with it together, we dealt with it together and when it got down to his final stages because he, like I said, he was walking, talking, living a miracle he was on dialysis for 22 years.
Speaker 2:Whoa Wow, I would have never known that you would have never known, not the way he was up there.
Speaker 4:But, no. He still worked, he still preached, he still carried the ministry. So if you didn't know, you didn't know. Wow.
Speaker 3:Wow.
Speaker 4:Where he was going to dialysis three times a week.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I never would have known that. You never would have known Never.
Speaker 4:Again, if you didn't know, you didn't know. But after he did that he was home and you know we had to deal with issues because of course he got weak and those type things and when it got to his final well, not even his final days because he had to go to the hospital a few times, one time he went and he was in the hospital for two months. I was in the hospital with him every day for the two months. He was in there and he had to go to rehab and in that time he went in the hospital. He came out Between rehab and the hospital. He was there again for almost two months, something like that, and the Lord healed him. We prayed, the Lord healed him and he was back in the church and back into ministry and all While he was in there again, I was at the hospital with him every day. I still carried the ministry, but I was still with him every day.
Speaker 4:And when it came down to his final hospital stay, this time he was in there again almost two months. He said to me and you all know him, he was a man who was going to just and he was preparing me me. You all were there. They had his pastoral anniversary. You all were there and when I walked in I knew it was his last time walking in the church. I saw it, I didn't want to accept it and I sat by him and I smiled and I tried to smile, but tears rolled all night long and he looked at me one day. He looked at me and said it's your time.
Speaker 3:Wow.
Speaker 4:It's your time and I'm like I know, okay, just it's your time. On our way home he looked at me and said, wifey, because you know I was wifey.
Speaker 4:Yes he did. Wifey, it's your time. I never could have asked for a better wife. You've gone above and beyond what was required of you as a wife. When I'm gone, I know you're going to grieve, I know you're going to go through, but when you get yourself together, I don't want you to be by yourself. You're still young, you're a beautiful woman. You don't need to be by yourself. And I'm like listen, man, I don't want to hear that. You're going to be okay. We've been through this before. You're going to be Right, right, right. He says to me. But I sure made sure I made it hard for the next man. Yeah, give him a shout out. He set the bar really high. He did. He set the bar. He set the bar.
Speaker 4:And when I took him to the hospital the next, that was that Saturday night. I took him to the hospital Tuesday and he was trying to prepare me, letting me know that he wasn't coming home, and I still didn't want to hear it. And he was in the hospital at that time for almost two months. A month and almost two months, I had one of my members from the church and you never understand, you never know who's paying you any attention. She would call me at the hospital every day. She would call me every day and ask how are you doing? Where are you? I'm like, I'm here at the hospital.
Speaker 4:That was during COVID, so they wouldn't let me spend the night, but they did let me stay, from visitation in the morning all the way until the evening, until the visitors had to leave. And so I'm there with him. And you know, I stayed there with him, even though he couldn't communicate. I stayed there with him, even though he couldn't communicate. I was there with him. And she would call every day where are you? I'm at the hospital, okay, you're okay. Yeah, you need anything? No, I'm good.
Speaker 4:And then she told me. She says, at one point I stopped asking you where you were because I knew where you were. You were at the hospital with your husband. She was in the hospital with her husband the night that he transitioned. They were there because he had a lot of loved ones, family, around him when he transitioned. She said I sat there and I looked at you. You held his hand and stroked his head until he took his last breath. You literally showed us what, till death, do us part draws. Wow, man, and I'm like you know, I never thought of it like that.
Speaker 4:I was just doing what I knew to do for my husband Right and hopefully and prayerfully he would have done the same thing for me, because I was there. Was it easy? No, it wasn't, it wasn't easy. I sat there, we listened to music and all the nurses and the doctors who would come in there, and they would ask me where do you get the strength? And I said it's nobody but God. Wow, it's nobody but God, wow, nobody but god, yeah, yeah and I was just reminded just the other day.
Speaker 4:They said um, you know, I witnessed you sitting there with your husband transitioning in icu and you went around to another family to pray for a family whose family member was transitioning. And you know, I said, you know, I forgot about that. But the doctors came in to me, the nurses and, I guess, the chaplains. They heard what went on and they came in the hospital room with me and they asked me how did you do that Says, that's what I'm called to do, that's what I'm called to do, that's what I'm called to do. Wow, so that even with the humanness no, I didn't want to release him, I wasn't ready, I didn't want him to go because that was the humanness in me.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 4:But I knew. I knew that he had done what the Lord had called him to do. I knew that he lived a life that was pleasing to God. Because, let me tell you something, we can fool folk on the outside.
Speaker 1:Yes, sir.
Speaker 4:That's right, but the people who live with you know who you are. Yes, they know how you live. Right right, and I knew he lived a life that was pleasing to God. So I literally told him that I release him. Right, right, and I knew he lived a life that was pleasing to God.
Speaker 3:So I literally told him that I release him. Wow, yeah.
Speaker 4:I literally told him I release him, said you fought a good fight, you finished your course. It's now time for you to get your crown. It's time. I said I'm going to be OK. He opened his eyes, looked at me and smiled and said I love you, wow. He opened his eyes, looked at me and smiled and said I love you, wow, closed his eyes and within an hour he had transitioned.
Speaker 3:Wow.
Speaker 1:Wow. Yeah, that is amazing, that is amazing.
Speaker 2:And that is awesome because you know some people they don't stay in for the fight.
Speaker 4:They walk away.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 4:And you say they walk away. They walk away because it's not an easy thing. It's not an easy thing and that's why, in the good times you have to prepare for the bad. In the good times, you have to prepare for the bad. Not even the younger people, some of the older people?
Speaker 4:Oh yes, Some of the older people you know we need to make an investment now. We need to make an investment now because, just like in the physical bank, if you don't put anything in there, when times get hard you're not going to have anything to draw. You can't withdraw anything because you have not placed anything in there, you have not invested anything. So we have to invest. We have to invest. Marriage is an investment.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Can we get a clap on that?
Speaker 4:Okay, all right, let me know, we have to invest, we have to invest in and we have to sow into our marriage. And one thing and I love that you all do the marriage broadcast and the retreats and all of that because it is needed, Because we used to do something called marriage maintenance.
Speaker 1:I like that. I like that Marriage maintenance.
Speaker 4:Because with your car, if you don't keep it properly maintained, it's going to break down.
Speaker 1:Yes sir, yes sir, yes sir.
Speaker 4:And so it's the same with your marriage. You have to have maintenance, you have to make sure that you're keeping it alive, amen.
Speaker 1:That's it. That's it, oh Lord, look at here. Well, you know what they say never give a pastor a mic, never put a pastor on a podcast, because they're going to preach.
Speaker 2:Now, that's right. That's what I'm talking about, right, ladies? Y'all chime in out there. You heard that Marriage maintenance. I'm putting this in the chat Marriage maintenance.
Speaker 4:You have to maintain your marriage.
Speaker 1:I totally agree with that. During the times, you know, did you ever get the Psalms 13 thing where, like David asked God, how long Did you ever get to the point of saying you know, Lord, how long are we going to have to deal with this? You know, five years into the marriage we dealt with this. How long are we going to have to deal with it?
Speaker 4:Did you ever get to that? You know, actually I never did. Okay, I never did Not. That because he said to me one time you didn't sign up for this.
Speaker 3:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 4:And I said actually I did.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 4:Because I said to death, do us part. I said in sickness and in health. So right now you're at a point of being sick, so what I'm to do is to be here for you. Now, my mother was a nurse, okay, and my mother could take care of anybody and anything, no matter what it was that they were dealing with. Well, I didn't have that same spirit.
Speaker 1:All right, all right.
Speaker 4:I didn't. I didn't have that same spirit where I could just go and take care of anybody and take care of bandages and all kinds of things. You know that weren't so so, so pretty.
Speaker 2:Right, Right right.
Speaker 4:Yeah, because actually in the sicknesses that I had to deal with some things were downright ugly. You know that I had to deal with, but the love for my husband and the love for God kept me in there and I did it because that was my husband, he was my responsibility. He wasn't the nurse's aide responsibility.
Speaker 3:Oh man.
Speaker 4:Right, right, because someone told me well, what you need to do is just call somebody to come in and take care of him. You need to see about getting someone who will come in and take care of him. He's my responsibility. Wow, he's my responsibility. I'll make sure that I do what I need to do for him.
Speaker 1:Yeah, wow, I got to give you some props there for that. We have Ferg. Ferg had said something here he had said because again I told you like he had dealt with kind of like the same thing from him, you know, taking care of his wife, and he says he said he'd have to add that you know, I guess in his situation sometimes you get angry at them for being ill. You're not mad at them, but you're mad at the illness.
Speaker 4:I understand what he's saying, because I would try to push my husband. Okay, I would. Yeah, I would try to push him, not physically push him, but I would try to push him to do more. Okay, yeah, I would try to push him to do more. And I'm like, well, you can do more, you can do more, you can do more. I know that you're ill, but come on, come on, let's do this, let's do that, you can do more. Don't sit here and just pretty, just don't just sit here and die, right, right, I would push him to do more and he would get frustrated, because a person who's used to doing and you know I'm used to going, I'm used to doing for myself, I'm used to doing this they get frustrated and a lot of time ill people aren't so nice yeah, yeah because you, because they angry at I, used to be this vibrant.
Speaker 2:Yes, you know, go get her. And now I could barely lift my head off the pillow and I have to depend on. Am I a burden? And that that's the thing.
Speaker 4:That's the thing, because they say I Because she would say I don't want to be a burden. Yes, I'm like, you're not a burden, you're my husband.
Speaker 2:You know, and that's what you know. I think that's what happened with my grandmother. She, we, we didn't intentionally bounce her around, but we all had careers, so we had to like, you know, okay, you take her over here and then we can drop her off over there. And she was. And I said to her one day I said well, how you doing? She said I'm just tired of being bounced here and there. Oh, take me over this place, take me over that place. And she was just like I'm done with all this. And I realized at that time that she was just really tired. She would, she, she didn't want to be a burden, and then she would fuss with us.
Speaker 4:And I was like, yeah, she's getting irritable she's getting ready, you know what, and that was one thing that that really, really um got me to the point where I was able to release him because he would say to me um, I'm tired, I'm tired, he said to me one time. Only thing is is I don't want to leave you, I'm tired, oh that.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I just don't want to leave you. And I realized that he was tired and it got to a point where they just couldn't do anything more for him At the hospital. They couldn't do anything more for him, more for him At the hospital. They couldn't do anything more for him. And I realized that it was just my selfishness.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I would be selfish. I think I would. I would release, but it would take me a minute to get to that point.
Speaker 4:Yeah, it was my selfishness that was keeping him and that's why he had the ability to smile when I told him I released him.
Speaker 2:Wow, I was like phew.
Speaker 4:He couldn't talk, but he mouthed. I love you.
Speaker 3:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I think that's it. I mean because I remember back when my dad passed and it just came to me. Sometimes we are praying for people to stay when they are ready to go, yeah, and we are being selfish, like you said, on our own, no, you can't leave, not yet, not yet. But we have to look at it. Them being here, suffering and doing all this kind of stuff. They just get tired of doctors and people poking at them and all of this and going here and going there, and especially if they're a Christian, they're just ready to see Jesus.
Speaker 1:And we've been praying no, don't go, don't go. And we are holding them there when they're ready to go and, like you said, we have to just release them. And I remember my dad praying no, don't go, don't go. And we are holding them there when they're ready to go. And, like you said, we have to just release them. And I remember my dad saying, hey, I'm tired, eric, I'm ready to go, stop praying, you know. And I said, ok, all right, you know, but that is a good thing when you know when they're ready to go, we just have to just pray and release them to go.
Speaker 4:We just have to just pray and release them. Yeah, and I got there when, you know, the doctors kept saying, well, you know, there's really nothing else we can do. We can't do anything. They couldn't give him any more treatments, dialysis treatments, because his blood pressure was so low, so his pressure wasn't up high enough, and it was a whole series of things. But, and I got to the point where where I talked to the Lord and I'm like you know, I just got to release the selfishness, because it was my selfishness wanting him to stay and he was not living. At that point, he was existing, he was existing, I, I did, I, I had to to release him, um, and a lot of things, and and I didn't have therapy wow no, which I should have Through it yeah, through it yeah.
Speaker 4:Yeah, I should have had therapy, but I didn't. I had just lost my dad, I guess less than two years Before he passed away. Wow. Actually my husband Eulogized my dad.
Speaker 3:Wow.
Speaker 4:And so Now, when I'm kind of getting myself together from losing my dad, then I'm losing my husband, both of my coverings yeah and um, so I, I should, and I'm speaking you know now, I should have had therapy during that time, during the periods of losing the both of them, but I didn't. Afterwards I'm in the church making sure everybody's OK at church, because they had lost their overseer.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 4:Never mind, I lost my husband, mm. Hmm, making sure that they're okay, and of course I had my daughter and my grandchildren and I had to make sure that they were okay, make sure they had therapy, so forth and so on, and then I sat back and I'm like I'm taking care of everybody else.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, I was going to ask you who took care of you.
Speaker 4:I need to make sure that I'm okay. I need to make sure I'm okay, absolutely. And so, as a matter of fact, I had a phone call from this agency that worked with our insurance and asked me has anything drastically changed in your life? Wow, and I'm like, as a changed in your life. Wow, and I'm like, as a matter of fact, it has you got a second. There it is, with you Well we work with your insurance and they will pay 100% for any counseling that you need. Wow.
Speaker 1:Look at God.
Speaker 4:And I'm like, here I am, let's do this. So I went through counseling and saying I'm saying this for somebody, so it doesn't mean that you're crazy.
Speaker 1:Yes, sir.
Speaker 4:It doesn't mean that you're crazy.
Speaker 1:Especially in the African-American community.
Speaker 4:Now listen in the African-American community, because we always say don't worry about it, pray about it.
Speaker 1:Yes sir, yes sir.
Speaker 4:We, and it's just getting to the point now where we'll send people to therapy, but they were like you don't need the therapist, what you need to do is go to church.
Speaker 1:Get on the altar and tear it.
Speaker 4:Listen, but God is good. Yes, he is. As a matter of fact, he's awesome he is. But sometimes you need somebody who the Lord has prepared to listen to your issue.
Speaker 1:That's it right there. Yeah, that's it.
Speaker 2:You need to clap over there.
Speaker 1:Yes, sir, absolutely I mean I understand why people wouldn't say that God allowed these people with degrees and he allowed these people to go through that for certain times. You know, if he wouldn't, you're allowed to have doctors. He allowed all these things to come for a reason.
Speaker 4:So we can use them Absolutely. And through that I was able to learn how to deal with things. They give you different ways of thinking about things, different ways of processing yeah, processing. And so I was able to process because and let me take it back because even right after he passed, because, you know, with him being ill, then not only did I have because I was working, still a full-time job.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I remember your retirement, yeah.
Speaker 4:I was working a full-time job up.
Speaker 1:But hold a minute. Through all of this being at the hospital, day in, day out, and all all of this, you were still working full-time full-time job up until the, the year where he went in the last time.
Speaker 4:Wow, I worked a full-time job wow with the school, with the school system, oh yeah, administration yeah, I gotta give you a clap on that.
Speaker 1:Yes, that's a whole nother story. We're not going into that.
Speaker 4:I worked a full time job, carried the ministry and took care of my husband, my family, all of that. So I had a whole lot of layers that really needed to be processed, that needed to be processed, and after he passed away, I'm counseling other people who have lost loved ones, when I had not had counseling myself. Wow, but I understood. Not then. But I understood because a lot of times we don't want to have to deal with things, we don't want to have to go through things, but sometimes things we go through are necessary. They're not necessary, they may not even be for you, but they're for someone else that you're going to have to encounter, because I had people calling me who I didn't know, to tell me I was told that I needed to talk to you. I'm talking about people from all parts of the country.
Speaker 3:Wow.
Speaker 4:I was told that I needed to talk to you. One young lady whose husband had passed away like six years. My husband hadn't been gone for two months and I'm walking her through the grief process.
Speaker 3:Wow.
Speaker 4:Wow.
Speaker 3:Wow.
Speaker 4:So I then understood. Well, a lot of times what I'm going through is to help somebody else I got to give you a shout out to that.
Speaker 2:I want to read what Jonathan Russell.
Speaker 1:Do that at the end, baby. I want to end with that.
Speaker 2:Okay, but.
Speaker 1:I want to end with that. That right there what Jonathan said. I got to end with that one.
Speaker 2:Okay, well, can I say what Ms Matrice Jackson said?
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:She said that's my pastor, Give her a hand.
Speaker 4:That's your pastor. All right Matrice, all right Matrice.
Speaker 1:But you know, I think you had some questions that you wanted to ask. You wanted to make sure that we get with that.
Speaker 2:Okay, two questions. This first one is okay. So how did you process transitioning to continue pastoring the church?
Speaker 3:I have this crazy thing in my head that if something happened to him, I'm going to shut this thing down, I say I'm going to be no more real life church, I'm over it.
Speaker 2:But then as I, as I continue to mature in christ, I the thing always kind of, if something happened to him, how would I do that? I mean like what, what was your process? You just, I mean because well, let me tell you something.
Speaker 4:See, my husband was a slickster.
Speaker 1:He already started.
Speaker 4:He, yeah, he was preparing me when I didn't know he was preparing me. My husband, I think. Let's see how long I was like, I think it was 2015. I think it was 2015. He installed me as senior pastor.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 4:He became overseer but he installed me as senior pastor. We still did ministry together and he still carried a lot of it Majority of it actually but he had installed me as senior pastor and as we went through and growing together and growing the ministry together and ministering together and all To me, I was still his co-pastor to me, but I was senior pastor. So the people were accustomed to me being in a position of senior pastor. But your question was how did I transition into it? Let me tell you have you ever had the Lord to chastise you? All right, Mm-hmm, Not nice.
Speaker 4:Because I sat in my office one day at home after he passed away and I still had the church going. I was sitting there writing a sermon and I said, Lord, I need to just shut it down. Yeah, this is too much for me to do, I need to just shut it down. And I'm sitting there writing and the Lord spoke to me just as plainly. He says Annette, you're speaking out of your emotions. He said your emotions are valid because I gave them to you, but your emotions have no intellect.
Speaker 3:Ooh, ooh.
Speaker 4:Have you ever been read by God?
Speaker 2:I don't want that to happen again.
Speaker 4:He said what I need you to do is look over your life. And I started. I started remembering some things that from my childhood that I had completely forgotten about, completely forgotten about. And he took me from one point to the next and says just like I was there with you then, I'm here with you now. And took me from things to a point to where I should not even be here, where he literally put his hand up to stop the enemy. Just like I was there with you then, I'm here with you now. By the time he finished reading me, I had tears flowing down my eyes, wow, and they weren't tears of sadness, there were tears of worship. And the sermon that I was writing completely changed, completely changed. Lord, I hear you, lord, I hear you, lord, I hear you. And that is how I transitioned Into carrying the ministry by myself. I heard the voice of the Lord.
Speaker 3:Alright, yeah.
Speaker 1:So, you good with that baby.
Speaker 2:Yes, I am, speak to her, speak to her, lord, speak Lord. I remember I told you guys you was Speak to her, love, speak love. I remember I told you you was getting ready to go to New Orleans. I said, listen, I really want to talk to you. I got some things on my mind and I want to call you and you say, okay, I'm going to New Orleans, hit me up when I get back. I said, okay, I never did, I Never did. I don't know why I didn't, I just didn't. But that was one of the things that I wanted to ask, one of the things that I wanted to talk about. I never, I never, wrote on a dot OK, when I grew up, I want to be a pastor's wife. That was nowhere in the plan. So, doing it and you know, I don't know I just felt like this ain't what I signed up for and I'm so outspoken and I shoot from the hip on my grandmother's granddaughter.
Speaker 2:I don't know how.
Speaker 4:I could Wait till you have to do a sermon where you're going to have to shoot from the hip.
Speaker 1:Yes sir, yes sir, it's coming.
Speaker 2:So that was one of the things that I was like, yeah, I need somebody to guide me in this thing because I don't want to run people away, you remember, yeah, I don't want to run them away, but I want to be direct and let them know that if Jesus is not in the center of it all, you can't focus, you can't do life without Christ, and I didn't, you know, it was just so many different things, so that was that was one of the things that I wanted to ask you about different things. So that was that was one of the things that I wanted to to ask you about, like, now that you're not, you know, now that now bishop and, by the way, bishop preaches on eulogy, y'all, it was an amazing celebration yes, sir amazing.
Speaker 2:Um, and so now that bishop you know is is gone, my thing, my thing, was like how in the world does she do that? I don't think I'll be able to do that, but now that I hear you, I'm like I've been beat up by the Lord. He done put me in my place a lot of times.
Speaker 2:I'm still learning, but yeah, so, yeah, yeah, that was definitely one of them. So this other question I'm going to ask is going to be a bit candid. So if you don't want to answer this, fine. When I looked at you and Bishop, I didn't just see two people, that was lovers of the Lord. Y'all was intertwined, Y'all complimented each other. It was a glow around you guys. When I saw you and I was like, wow, Eric, I said we got to be like that. You know, we got to be like that. You guys really set the bar high. It was always something that I wanted to. I always told Eric about it. I said just look at him, you know, and it's like he still was like my girl, you know, I mean like he would still be like my girl, my girl, you know. So I was like that was so awesome. So my thing is do you ever think that you will remarry Because is? Do you ever think that you will remarry? Because you did say that?
Speaker 1:he said he don't want you to be alone and if so, the barriers because of that will they even?
Speaker 4:meet up to those standards. Listen, oh lord, here we go. First the answer. I was asked that question like a couple of weeks ago. I was asked something similar to that today. In the beginning, the answer would have been definitely not. I will not marry again. And not because I had a bad marriage, it's because I had such a good marriage. Yeah, you can see that from the outside looking in. But I'm at the point now I will. If the Lord says the right person, I will. Y'all got to excuse me, it's okay.
Speaker 1:It's all right Good.
Speaker 4:But a gentleman asked me today. He said I know all the men come sit on the front row at your church. I know they're running, I know and I'm like. Actually no, I've had a few, but not very many, because anyone who knows me and knew me with my husband knew the standard that my husband set that my husband said and I guess there is a level of intimidation yes, sir, there's going to be some.
Speaker 4:A level of intimidation. But I, personally, I'm at the point now I don't want to do ministry by myself. Okay, I don't want to do ministry by myself, and I don't want to grow old alone. So if the Lord sends the right, person it will be a yes.
Speaker 2:Well, let me tell you something you a catch, you are a catch.
Speaker 3:Here we go here we go.
Speaker 2:I thank you. I'm surprised they ain't knocking the doors down, but I get that, though, because Bishop definitely set the bar. I tell you, the first time I met him and he was like, oh, you ain't meet my wife. He was like that's my girl, right there, I was like okay. I love that.
Speaker 4:I was like you know, like that's my chick, I mean 28 years of marriage. We were still having date night. We would still date each other. Yeah, that's important. Yeah, we would still date each other. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1:I like that Well, yeah thank you.
Speaker 2:So Lord, I'll still be moving on.
Speaker 4:And let me just say this, and I need people to understand it's something that you don't get over, but you do move forward. Right, right, I got you. You don't get over, but you do move forward. Life is for the living.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4:Jesus said I come that you might have life and have it more abundant. Yes, he did Amen, and so my intention is to live my abundant life Awesome. Yes, he did Amen, and so my intention is to live my abundant life Awesome. So life is for the living. I'm still living and I plan to enjoy my life at whatever level that the Lord presents.
Speaker 2:Okay, okay, all right.
Speaker 1:That's good.
Speaker 1:All right. So I know it's a little bit delayed, but we have still have a little time. If you have, do you mind taking any questions if they call in? All right, yeah, okay, if you want to call in the numbers there on the screen, the number is 754-222-2219. Again, 754-222-2219. Again 754-222-2219. And you could ask a question for tonight, you know, before they even call in. Now I'm going to read what Jonathan said. I thought it was real good. He says when you actually realize the depth and gravity of till death, do us part, you begin to understand the weight of marriage. And he says this episode has me in tears. Yeah, wow.
Speaker 4:Yeah, shout out to Jonathan. All right, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And Ferg said too you know, in that coming you don't realize how much pain that your loved one is in. When he was talking about watching them and releasing them, I was like okay.
Speaker 4:And with that comment that he made, we need to understand the vows that we are making. We need to understand that. Yes, because the transitions, the transitions, and as we grow in life, as we grow in marriage, because you're going to grow and as well, you've been married 32 years, right, correct. And so you have to keep learning each other.
Speaker 1:Yes, sir.
Speaker 4:Every single day. You have to keep learning each other.
Speaker 1:I keep telling people I mean you think you'd be married six, seven, eight months that you know the person. You don't know them. Every day they're changing. We've been married 30-something years and every day, like you said, you keep learning and keep learning and keep learning.
Speaker 4:Keep learning each other. Yeah, because you're going to grow Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:You have to make the decision whether you're going to grow together or grow apart. All right. Now you're talking to grow. Yes, uh, you're talking. Good, all right I'll see you, babe.
Speaker 2:All right, I gotta write that decision that you have to make and it's so true too, and you know you can't look at it. This is not a fairy tale no this is. This is no game. You have to be in this for the long haul and you got to be willing to give and take. It's like you said and there's a lot of times people get married for I don't know, and I think a lot of young people they follow so much on social media because they see these big, elaborate weddings and other things.
Speaker 2:I'm still trying to get to this baby regenerative revealing thing, but they they put so much into that and three months later they divorce. So they're not really setting the example for these younger people that coming up they don't care.
Speaker 2:You know these, they so wrapped up in what they're doing there but honestly, these people don't know you. They don't really care about you as long as you buy their product and like and comment on their stuff. But in the meantime you're going through real life, real life, and real life is no joke, you know. So I, you know I have to kind of be like listen, even when we be in as well. In fact, in our counseling session we told one couple we really don't think y'all should be trying to get married and not only that if y'all do, we want no part of that?
Speaker 4:Absolutely, and I was sharing that with a young lady just last week. If I don't think that you should get married, I'm not going to perform your ceremony Ceremony, right? No, we ain't doing that Because actually I'm accountable.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:That's exactly what Eric said. Well, babe, I'm having this problem. I was like, no, no, no, no, babe, we can't say, okay, we're going to sign this. No, no, no, they shouldn't be getting married.
Speaker 3:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 4:And I won't marry anyone if I have not done their pre-marital counseling yeah, pre-marital counseling.
Speaker 1:I got to, yeah, I got to, yeah, weight of a pastor, you know, doing that for them Because, like you said, we're accountable to you know, to that Cause we're giving a seal of approval.
Speaker 4:Right, right.
Speaker 1:We're telling everybody yes, we, we approve this. What they've been standing in front of here, we approve this, and you know. And so people will look at us and and when they get going through something and a divorce because of some crazy stuff, you know, and they'd be looking at us. Well, y'all said, yeah, they was good to go, you know.
Speaker 4:And no, no, no, no, no, I'm not I'm being the back, not me because if you show me that this isn't what you're supposed to be doing right right now, I'm going to give you the tools in counseling right right it's up to you to use the tools yeah yeah so, but but if I see beforehand that this is not a good decision, I'm not going to do it. You can go somewhere else and get it, that's right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's right, that's right, you know and don't invite us yeah.
Speaker 2:I can't see you I can't see a train wreck, so yeah. But thank you so much for coming out.
Speaker 1:Yes, thank you so much. Remember, if you got some questions, we got about five more minutes. We got some questions. You can call in at 754-222-2219. Or you can type your questions down there and we will ask the questions for you If you don't want to call in. But this was this was good. I think this was needed.
Speaker 2:Very much so.
Speaker 1:Um, you know, just like how Ferg was. You know, um, you know you said something. The same thing that Ferg said is that while you, while you are married, before the you know the sickness happened, you got to make sure you plan for things. You know, put you know like you say. You know, get love on your spouse, spend time with your spouse, you know, do all the things, which is, you know, put something in the bank for your spouse, because when that sickness happens, don't matter who it is, there's some things that you're not going to be able to do.
Speaker 4:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:You're not going to be able to do, and so you need to make sure that you are in this marriage. You're in this marriage because you love the person and that you care for the person, and not because you can go to bed with them.
Speaker 4:Absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 3:Absolutely.
Speaker 4:Because, as we change, sometimes things don't work anymore. Right.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 4:Like whoa yeah, things don't work anymore, right right. Like whoa, yeah, so so that cannot be the basis of your relationship, can't be the basis, it cannot be. It can't be the basis of relationship, because what happens after we start getting older and some sicknesses might take place where you may not be able to function anymore?
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 4:Right Function sexually. So what are you going to do then, if that's what your marriage is based on? That's so true. So we have to, and that's one good thing. I'm glad that my husband was my friend. My husband was my friend, so our marriage was a whole lot deeper than the sexual component yeah yes yes yes, we were friends that's good that's good, that's good really.
Speaker 1:I truly, really enjoying this conversation I just wanted to let everybody know as well too, too, is that you know you can help us create more programming. We would love to hire a producer so I don't have to be doing all of this stuff and engineer.
Speaker 4:you know how much does it pay?
Speaker 1:Yeah, we would love to you know to do all that stuff and have somebody set up. You know, you know for us and I don't have to come out and you know, just do all that stuff and have somebody set up. You know, um, you know for us and I don't have to come out and you know, just do all this stuff. We would love that to happen, in greed, I guess, or you know whatever. So, um, you know, you can always donate to us as well. Um, you know a marriage in real life Also, you can. You can also if you're on YouTube, you know you could hit those buttons there and and donate through YouTube as well. So we would love, love that to happen. Uh, first says um, hey, also teach other things.
Speaker 1:Um, each other, yeah, yeah, teach each other things that they don't know. He says, like passwords, finances, where you want to be buried, and um, and you rotate planning, uh, the, yeah, he. He mentioned something called the I love you box. He said you should make an I love you box to where it says I'm not leaving you. Um, you know, uh, uh, pastor Bob, I preached a message about the widow woman and how she went to Elisha and told Elisha said you know my husband, you know he was under the prophets and you know he feared God.
Speaker 1:And now you know they're getting ready to take my children. And I said to the church. I said you know, he ministered so much, so much. He was in the school but he didn't leave his wife. No life insurance. Now they're coming because he owes. He owed a debt, not a covenant church. We cannot be like that. We cannot. We got to make sure that we're taking care. As far as me, I'm gonna make sure that I'm taking care of my wife and I love you box is something that's good. When you know the passwords, you know everything we talk about, you know, and sometimes people don't want to talk about death, right, but that's necessary, necessary because it's a reality.
Speaker 1:Yes, the reality. If something happened and we can't wait until I'm about almost dying to talk about it.
Speaker 4:If something happened and we can't wait until I'm about almost dying to talk about it my husband, we did talk about it. We talked about it quite often, more than I wanted to, and he left.
Speaker 3:Here's my phone All of my passwords are here, right here in my phone.
Speaker 4:He had an envelope where he had papers in the envelope, his living will, his and everything you know. That was supposed to make my decisions a lot easier, but and? Even, even down to his funeral Hmm, because at first he didn't want one, and I'm like listen, people have to have closure.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah they have to have closure.
Speaker 4:You can't do this to the people. And so he agreed. He says OK, so what you can do, you can have a funeral. But if you can't preach my funeral, I don't want anybody else preaching my funeral. You've been the one that's been there for me. That's how he preached his own eulogy, because I didn't think that I would be strong enough to stand in front of the people and do a eulogy. I'm like I told my daughter I can't stand up in front of these people and cry for 30 minutes. And let me tell you how, how the Lord works. My daughter, my sister, was putting together pictures for the booklet for the funeral program. She was put in. We were going through the computer and she was pulling pictures and YouTube popped up with his sermon where he was talking about himself, and as we sat there and listened to it, I said that's his eulogy.
Speaker 3:That's his eulogy, because it was all about him.
Speaker 4:It was about his life, and so what we did is, you know, we cut some of the stuff out so it would be sensitive to the time, and that's how he ended up doing his own eulogy that was amazing and you know what the funeral home told me. They said all the years we've done funerals, we've never done one like that.
Speaker 1:I've never seen it.
Speaker 4:They said we have never, Eric and I talked about it for a week.
Speaker 1:That was good this is just like wow.
Speaker 2:He was just so in tune with God and with his life. It just opened up so many, you know, just so many windows in my head. I was like you know, I would want to do that for myself, you know, but you have to live that life. Yeah, you know, you have to live that life.
Speaker 4:It was funny because I had a couple of pastors say I'm going home now and do a video. I'm going to go and do a video for my funeral.
Speaker 1:Yes, sir.
Speaker 4:But yeah, so, but that's how that came about, Because he said you know you can do a concert and let that be it, and all because he loved music even though he couldn't sing he loved good singing so I was like, okay, we'll just do do a concert and let that be it. And then when I saw the um, when I saw, okay, so that's going to be a julegy right there wow, that was good.
Speaker 1:well, hey, what a good night. What a good night. What a good night. This was good. If I don't cut it off, we'll be here all night, but this is good. I just want to thank you, pastor Annette, for being open. I know it can still hurt. You've been married all the time. You loved him and he loved you, and I just want to thank you for accepting the invitation to come and talk to people about that marriage vow to death do us part and you know, yeah, yeah, and sickness and health.
Speaker 1:I'm so glad that you accept the invitation.
Speaker 4:I'm so glad you invited me and in closing I just want to say this one thing, because again we were talking about how people don't take it seriously. But they have to realize that that, that vow that they're making to each other, they are making a vow to each other, but they're making the vow before God.
Speaker 2:Yep absolutely.
Speaker 4:Before God. Yes, so they need to take that seriously.
Speaker 1:Yes, Need to take it very seriously.
Speaker 2:I agree, I agree, all right.
Speaker 1:Well, want to say good night. Please, please, please, make sure you comment, comment, like and share and listen to all on your wherever you listen for your podcast. Make sure you listen for this particular podcast. Go and download it on Apple iHeartRadio wherever, and we want you. We're so glad that you could be, I'm so glad.
Speaker 2:Yes, Thank you so much for joining us and share this. Share it with your friends.
Speaker 1:Yes, share with your marriage couples and your single those ones that's thinking about getting married. Yes, sir, Share with them and again the sincerity of it. Yes sir, yes and again, pastor Annette, we thank you so much for being with us.
